I have struggled with being grateful and happy which I’m sure you know. I struggle with this journey that I’m on and realizing that my time table is not other people’s time table or even Christ’s time table for me. I struggle with not reliving the past to much and playing the game of Why Me? I struggle with not comparing myself or being to hard on myself in general. I have to work really hard to keep Christ in my mind on a daily basis and not forget that I’m not alone. I NEVER WANT TO BE BITTER. Bitter makes you ugly inside and out and no one wants that to happen. I want to really move forward from the past with this process and not talk about it anymore except anecdotally and with fondness. Nothing more or less.

I’m trying to focus on the good, the positive and how Christ has saved me. He saved me by dying for me on the cross. He saved me three years a go when this journey started. He has given me strength to keep going and make the hard decisions. Things keep slowly but surely working out and I know its not necessarily because of me.

The Lent season has significance for me because I watched my Dad finally die during it and Ash Wednesday is my drug free anniversary. Lots of changes in this time seem to occur. Not sure why its like that or if it happens for others in that same way. On the positive I’ve now been drug free for three years and my alcoholic ways are behind me. I think this will be the last time I mention any of that on this blog as well. It took a lot to get here but I’m here.

I decided two nights a go I was going to get up yesterday and run 10 miles. My training for a half marathon is sporadic at best. But I ran those 10.5 miles very easily. I could have finished the rest of the half marathon if I wanted too. First, time I’ve run that distance in my life. I feel like running is changing me and for the better. Like I can see an even bigger picture than I could see before. Running is something I used to refuse to do years a go. I can’t was always the response. Now its I can and I’m actually fast when I want to be. I’m 33 and suddenly I’m an athlete of sorts.

I’m beyond grateful for this. I’m so grateful that I can run after last summer’s events and physical problems. I’m so grateful that its becoming easier. I’m grateful that my best thinking and planning comes when I’m running. I’m grateful that I’m achieving something that is personal and means something and that no one ever thought I would. I’m grateful that I can run 8:30 minute miles if I want too. That I can sprint at under an 8 minute mile pace. I’m grateful for what running has done for my mind.

I’m not some amazing runner nor do I want to enter races and place or whatever. I just want to be left alone on a treadmill with my headphones and my electronica music. Its the one time I want to be alone.

Running is something I’m personally grateful for. My first act of gratitude I actually did yesterday. My friend had asked me to make my macaroni and cheese for her family. I bought the ingredients and made it. Of course, there is enough for an army but who cares it fresh macaroni and cheese!

I’m not going to do 40 posts about gratitude. That would be weird. Just letting you know a little bit more about me and what I’m trying to work on during this significant time of year. AND how I’m really going to try to not speak about the past anymore. It’s done.

Last night I wanted a cigarette so bad I almost stopped and bought a pack. But I didn’t it. It was frustrating. Even this morning I still want one. The reason I didn’t stop isn’t because I care about dying or wrinkle or yellow teeth. I didn’t stop because I didn’t want to have a shitty run today. Huffing and puffing along like to not so big bad wolf. Gross.

Had dinner last night with my sister and her boyfriend who I hadn’t met before. I actually really like him and had a lot of fun with them together. This is shocking to me since the relationship with my my sister can be very strained depending on the day.

My sister hadn’t seen me since Thanksgiving day and commented on how good I look. Thanks. It’s kind of weird to know you’ve lost weight, know you feel and look better but somehow still feel like a fat kid. And I KNOW I WASN’T FAT. I just read to many magazines. Anna Wintour’s beauty aesthetic is in my head for life. Maybe I’m still getting used to the lifestyle change I have chosen for myself. I would like to lose 5 more pounds but not really sure that is possible,

I get daily quotes emailed to me from Runner’s World. Here is today’s.

I spent four weeks in total numbness. Six months later, I started running. I could only do ten minutes at a time, but I kept going because I knew that running would get me my life back.

Ryon Lane, runner who shattered his C4 vertebra in a 2008 diving accident

That’s kind of how I feel about everything and part of the conversation I had with my sister last night. I’ve redone my whole life and I’m not done yet. Back in November my mom said some things to me that I really didn’t appreciate and the statements came from her not wanting to be my “therapist” anymore. Well, she’s my mom and I don’t have anyone else. It was hurtful nonetheless to be told “seek help” when in the next breath “you’ve done well” came from out. My response was “I did this all on my own. You didn’t have to pay for rehab or therapy. So fuck off.”

My sister didn’t like that I told my mom to fuck off. But I did. I get so frustrated sometimes that it slips out. Cursing is not something I want to continue. It comes out when I’m doing what my mom considers dumping on her. I do feel somewhat bad about it. But probably not as much as I should.

I’ve been thinking about my divorce and my actions lately. Bleh. It bothers me the way I acted and how stressed out I let myself get before all that happened. It bothers me that I failed.

Drinking. I still drink here and there but not a lot. Every once in awhile I get tanked which I probably shouldn’t since drinking is a slippery slope for someone with a former problem. Also, something discussed last night. I’ve noticed recently how much people I know in real life drink and even how much people drink I “know” via twitter and blogging. Drinking creeps up on you and one minute it’s just a glass of wine then two then the bottle. Everyone always thinks oh that would never happen to me and one day it is you. And since its legal it has this understood acceptability. I find it annoying to see young parents now turning to the bottle and then girls in their 20s thinking its cool to be wino. It’s not. Trust. That’s my two cents.

Anyway, I’ve had a few positive things happen on the job front and maybe something fun on the personal side.

And I lied. Here is a pretty picture.

Jane Birkin. Love her style. Quintessential French.

So here we go.

1. favorite place you’ve traveled

I’ve travelled quite a bit, but no where amazing like Thailand. I really loved San Francisco in a “I would never want to live here” kind of way. Liked Toronto. New York is great. I used to go to Palm Beach and Naples a lot and that was fun. I think my favorite place on earth is Savannah. I would live in Savannah if I could. It’s just one of those places I that if I had to stay forever it would be totally ok.

2. where would you want to go if you could have a paid ticket and hotel

Paris. Period. The end.

3. if you have a trip planned, where are you going?

Asheville x 2, Nashville and probably Destin soon. And maybe back to Alabama.

All South all the time.

4.Were you an honor roll student in school?

Sometimes, sometimes not. It depended how bored I was that semester. I was one of those kids that got called into the principal’s office wanting to know why I had 3 A’s, a C and an F. My response was generally I hate the class and the teacher. And I swear I will do better which was just me skating by on a C.

5. what was your major in college

I double majored in marketing and management.

6. Ever go to camp?

Tennis camp. Day camp. No outdoor camp with crafts and lakes and animals. All things I hated as a child and continue to have no interest in to this day. Like I say about running, I prefer a treadmill because of climate control and no sun. MUST PROTECT MY SKIN FROM THE EVIL SUN.

7. favorite tv show of all time

The Wire. Best show ever made. But for girly type shows I like Buffy the Vampire Slayer back in the day.

8. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for?

I only got grounded once and it was for something I didn’t do. My dad sometimes road in on a broom and would fly off the handle about something stupid. I was grounded for a month. It was so dumb. I was perfect in high school because my parents kept a tight leash on me. It was college when everything went down hill.

9. What was your childhood nickname?

Didn’t have one from my parents. But to tell you how kids can be mean a group of boys starting calling me Lesby in third grade and I had no idea what it meant. They called me that till I switched schools. To this day it stings a bit.

10. what would your dream job be?

I’m trying to switch to my dream job now. It’s the thing I wanted to do in undergrad and has never gone away. I want to be a consultant. Either in tech for healthcare or retail. I like brand consulting as well. It’s never just one thing with me. I want to work for Accenture, Deloitte, McKinsey, etc. You get the idea.

The only other thing that would be I could die now would be to work styling or PR for a major fashion house a la @OscarPRGirl. I would die. But I prefer the puzzles of consulting.

Linking up to Shasta and Megan for these questions. I’m kind of excited about doing these since I lately my content hasn’t been very fun or frequent.

1) favorite beauty product of all time

The glycolic pads I buy from Derma-Luxe. If I didn’t use them I would still have problem skin.

2) what do you use on your hair

Not much. When I remember I use a keratase product after I get out of the shower. I’ve used Brilliant Brunette shampoo for years. I don’t really believe in expensive shampoo. A flat iron. I still need to learn how to use hot rollers.

3) complete skin care routine

Wash all the makeup of with a cleanser, glycolic pad, retin-a, cream, eye cream. Simple.

4) favorite handbag

I don’t use it to much. But its actually my LV speedy with the green trim and all the holes punched out of it. It was a special addition back in 2006 and it was the last bag my Dad every bought me.

5) one thing you would change about yourself

Teeth. I need to focus on whitening them.

6) one thing you like about yourself

EVERYTHING! I kid. I love my hair and I like being tall.

7) most memorable outfit of all time

One that I loved but didn’t get to wear much was this amazing dress from Jean Paul Gaultier I bought in college from Jeffrey. It was red and was made out of a sheer, mesh material. There was red embroidery all over the front. It came down to my knees and had this cool drape of material in the back around my knees. I wore a Vivienne Tam slip under it. It got damaged and was unrepairable. I just recently got rid of it. I kept it all these years because I liked to look at it.

8 ) which celeb closet you would like to raid

Love Rachel Zoe. Love Gwyneth. Love Kate Beckinsale’s event outfits. There are some fashion people I like as well.

9) describe your style in one word

Currently, back to the beginning. I like black, animal print, pink, white and khaki which are my true loves. I like glam, but I like little lace tops from Anthropologie as well. I’ve gotten rid of all the stuff I would consider “preppy”. I’m a Gemini so I always feel like I have two styles. One, is more glam and chic. The other is in jeans, heels, a little top and lots of vintage jewelry. Kind of updated 70s retro.

10) how/why did you start blogging

I started blogging at the beginning of 2007. I began reading blogs in 2006. My blog had a very different focus then. Hence, why you might not think the name makes much sense anymore.

The last bit of stuff I have is going into storage. I had wanted to sell the bedroom furniture but got talked out of it. I got rid of most of my books except the important ones and then I have a few keepsakes and some expensive kitchen items. I have very little in the form of stuff anymore. I was talking to one of my internet friends last night via twitter DM about stuff and being satisfied with what you have. I used to have a lot of stuff. I had clothes, books, kitchen items, dvds, etc. coming out of ears. I was attached to so much of it. I had furniture and anything I could possibly want. I wouldn’t get rid of anything because I would say, “No, I might need it.” And that day never came. Over the last few years I have slowly weaned myself off of stuff. I sold it or donated it. I wanted to see what I actually used and even more so what I actually LIKED. A lot of it I didn’t even like.

Stuff is fun. Stuff is pretty. Stuff makes you feel good. I had a shopping addiction when I was married. My sister put it best when she said I wasn’t getting what I needed at home so I went shopping to feel better. Now I still love my YSL bags and a good pair of J Brand jeans. The change that I was looking for and did occur was finally coming to terms with not needing the stuff to make me happy. Shopping and stuff was another major addiction for me to overcome. And to be honest, it has been the hardest one to deal with.

I’m good at selling stuff to other people. I know how to get in your brain and make you justify it. As a society we crave stuff. It makes us feel like we belong. I write papers in grad school about how to get customers to buy more stuff. Ugh, ALWAYS IN MY FACE. For me to no longer rely on it and to have a different comfort zone of about stuff and what I find acceptable it is a weird place to be in and it creeps people out.

Stuff is a choice. Do you want to look like everyone else and wear TB shoes and carry an LV Neverfull? Or do you want to wear a mix of designers and off brands that don’t make you look like a Stepford Wife? I will say its been fun to redo my clothes since I lost weight. I’ve gotten to change everything and be different on the outside as well as the inside. But its been in moderation. I have wondered if I would ever go back to buying a lot of stuff like before. Before I made 6 figures, now I don’t. That day will come again. But I don’t think the stuff will. I hope not at least. I think and feel the stuff is just a constant battle like anything else. Choosing to eat healthy, choosing to not be a drug addict, choosing to not be an alcoholic. I choose to be free of all of it.

*as always these are my opinions, thoughts, feelings and experiences. i’m not perfect and fall off the wagon sometimes. i reserve the right to change again.*

Back to my goals and projects. I don’t have resolutions instead I was always taught to make goals then make a plan of how to achieve it.

1) The right job. I’m not going to beat this dead horse anymore. I have faith I am doing everything I can to get it and it will come.

2) My goal is to graduate my MBA program next year with a 3.75+. My GPA needs some work but this is manageable.

3) Maintain my weight loss and lose 5 more pounds. I’ve been holding steady at 145 and need to get on that last bit. (Remember, I’m 5′9 so I get to weigh more.)

4) Super fit. This means defined arms and a tight stomach. My end date for this is June 1.

5) Run a half marathon. I’m training but slowly. I could probably go run it now. But I my ideal is 1.30 -1.45 hours. Not sure what is actually doable. I will run the half in the fall of this year.

6) My big “crafty” project for the year is to learn to knit and learn to knit well. My first class was yesterday. My second class is tomorrow. When I made cooking a project years a go I spent a year cooking Barefoot Contessa, Emeril Lagasse, Paula Deen, and pretty much anything else I could find. I could cook before but I couldn’t cook quickly, know how to alter a recipe or smoothly cook for a crowd. By the end of the year I could.

Knitting, I plan to make my mom a throw for her bedroom. That’s the big project/request after I master the scarves.

7) Re-engage in volunteering. I physically and mentally have not been up for it last year. But I’m ready to begin again. I had to take care of myself last year.

8 ) I’m moving again to a temporary location. I’ve been fine moving regularly over the last couple of years. By the end of this year I will have a permanent location and I will have bought furniture again. I’m ready to settle down.

This isn’t really a goal but for me its something I have to think about every day. Trusting in the Lord, not getting down and pressing forward. I have felt like I’m on the brink for so many years now and sometimes its to much to take. I remember when I would say the Lord’s Pray with my Dad when he was dying. I know that I have not come this far to fail now. I know that God is here with me. I know that this to shall pass. I think my biggest issue is not questioning and doing everything in my power to follow his path and be positive. God helps those who help themselves.

That’s what I’m planning for the year. Who knows what will happen and how the plan will be altered but I’m sure it will be interesting as always. You know how I love a good story and this year is sure to bring many more.

2. I’m looking forward to going to dinner with my mom tomorrow night and then the 10:30 pm service at my church.

3. I found somewhere to move to in the Highlands yesterday. But I’m still looking around. Totally ready to get off Peachtree St. It’s to loud.

4. Bikram kicked my ass yesterday. The teacher just got out of training and was just brutal. Even one of the ladies who goes 5 days a week had to sit down twice. I was just concentrating on surviving.

5. On my way to Bikram yesterday I realized I need to stop running. Stop trying to run from the past and leave Atlanta (six times total). I’ve been non-committal to everything and everyone over the last 2 years. Its time for me to build a life. Or at least commit to a couch. I still haven’t bought any furniture since I sold everything.

6. I’m ready to go back to school. I’m bored since I don’t have a full time job. AND I HAVE A 3.47 GPA.

7. Found someone from my past is getting their karmic retribution. I might have gloated to much. I might still be gloating.

8. This is me. Now.

I feel like I look pretty good. Hard work, etc.

9. Merry Christmas to you. I hope it is your best one ever.

After he had relatively recovered he decided we were moving to Atlanta. This wasn’t the smartest move but Daddy was having a bit of a midlife crisis and he could move his company wherever he wanted so he felt it didn’t matter. I don’t know why but I was for this change. I probably should have begged to stay but I was ready to go. My parents had kept my sister and I very sheltered our whole lives so I was ready to get out of Nashville. I knew I didn’t want to go to University of Tennessee or Belmont and knew my parents weren’t going to pay for Vanderbilt. They had put me through 11 years of private school. Private college was not an option. And to be honest, at the time, I hated Nashville. I wanted to go to Atlanta, NYC or DC.

Ok, so what was going to happen with me and school? I discussed it with my mom and we weren’t going to be moved until November of 1996. This would have been during my senior year in a new town. And we had called around and none of the private schools in Atlanta would even talk to us since it was so late in the application process. Atlanta is very different from Nashville. In Nashville everyone goes to private school. I realized recently that my entire time growing up I never actually knew anyone who went to public school. It was decided that I was going to get my GED and start college in January. Mind boggling. I just went with it.

My mom took me down to the center where you sign up to take your GED and we filled out the paper work. I remember the lady asking me if I wanted to take the prep classes. I said in the childish monotone I would sometimes use “no, I went to school X. I don’t think I need that.” She stacked all the papers, looked up and said “Well good luck. But I guess you don’t need it.”

The day came to take the test. I didn’t know what to expect but I was kind of nervous. I got up really early and drove myself to the testing center. It was on the opposite side of town and I had never driven in that area by myself. Actually, I had probably never been on that side of town. Looking back this whole situation is so weird. I remember pulling up in my car which was my dad’s old Range Rover at the time. I was in a sweater skirt and tights. There were people outside smoking. They looked like they were straight out of The Outsiders. At least to me that’s what they looked like. They were probably just regular people but to a sheltered kid from a world of uniforms, LL Bean and where kids get hand me down cars of Range Rovers, Porsches, and BMWs all I could think was GANG!!!! OMG!!!! WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME!!!!

The test was all day long and it was taken in blocks according to topics. I had not brought a book or a magazine and this is before smart phones let alone cell phones. My friends had beepers. As I took each test which I finished each section in 20 minutes or less. This means I got to sit quietly in a room all day long watching other people take a GED test. There were a couple of breaks where I did not talk to anyone. I just listened to their conversations which included topics of house arrest and showing each other their house arrest bracelets on their ankles. My eyes were about to pop out of my head. I knew that before the day was out I was going to die of boredom or Ponyboy and Sodapop to kill me.

The test finally ended. I could have taken the whole thing in an hour. I guess my parents when parents thought they were investing in my education they didn’t quite think “I hope my daughter just kills it on the GED exam.” But that was that. I passed the exam (obviously), moved to Atlanta and started college in January. I don’t think of this event much anymore. I usually just tell people I graduated from school X and am done with it. Having a GED doesn’t bother me. I had extenuating circumstances and I’m in graduate school for and MBA now. It’s not a knock on my intelligence. It just happened. My ex-boyfriend used to like to tell people I didn’t graduate HS (he did it in a mean way) and I would feel this need to explain the story. The whole story. And the whole story doesn’t matter. It’s just a blip in a long history of strange, slightly odd events that make up my life. And its my life and I don’t have to make apologies for it or explain it. It’s a road less travelled and I’m proud of it nonetheless.

Anywhoo, today was another rough day. After my bi-weekly chiropractor appointment I decided I wanted to go to Whole Foods and get something to eat. Maybe a slice of pizza or a gelato. I wanted something, anything to make me feel better. (Today was the day I officially lost 20lbs but lets ignore that little tidbit. I only ate shrimp cocktail at Thanksgiving, sometimes you just need some carbs.) I decided to look around since I usually just pick up the few things I like to eat anymore and are healthy at Publix. I wanted to browse the selection especially since Whole Foods steps it up a notch during the holidays.

I started looking at the fruit and spied the guacamole. I love Whole Foods guacamole. And there was their fresh salsa right beside it. I decided that my cheat meal was going to be homemade nachos. I hadn’t had them in forever and used to love eating them when I went out a lot. Years ago I probably ate them once a week at Taco Mac with my ex-husband on free pint night. (That’s when I started gaining the weight.) Tonight there was no beer because I have to study and I rarely drink anymore. Ok, so in my basket went the small containers of guacamole and salsa. All fresh and I guess relatively homemade.

I walked down the aisles looking around but didn’t get anything. Off to the dairy case. Low-fat, organic sour cream it is. The bag of the “natural” corn tortilla chips. Making my way around the store I stopped and tried some kind of red onion cheddar Whole Foods wanted me to buy. No thank you. Just a block of Whole Foods brand cheddar cheese, still organic. Over to the salad bar I went to get a spoonful of jalapenos that I had to put in a giant (yet recycled) salad bar container. There was space left. Obviously, I just needed to taste the fried tofu and the macaroni and cheese. Both of which I’ve had many times before. And just for good measure I picked up two Arden’s Garden Supergreen juices for tomorrow. That’s my “food hangover” remedy.

I go to pay and the cashier tells me its $31.27. Now this is not unexpected. I am in Whole Foods. But to remind myself of happier times was it worth it. To pay $31.27 for organic nachos and a memory that really wasn’t that happy. I already lost all that weight and him and that life. It’s done. It’s in the past. Why do I keep trying to go back to something I don’t even want?

I’ve moved forward. Nothing about me is the same. Not even the way I talk. I barely even curse anymore and I used to have the mouth of the dirtiest sailor who just kissed a whore. Yeah, that bad. But what is it about me that can’t seem to get out of limbo? Why I am I on the slow and winding road instead of the definitive path? Why is this another year from hell no matter how much I pray or ask for guidance?

And before you get all judge-y, if you knew me in real life you would know how generally I put on the happy face. It takes a lot of effort to do that everyday though. Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside, yada yada yada. And this all pretty basic stuff but when you are going through change after change after change it takes its toll. I just need to freeze my face with botox so the stress doesn’t start to show.

Those nachos didn’t bring back a lost love or a happy memory. They just reminded me of who I no longer am and how I wished I had just drunk the green juice. They reminded me AGAIN that you can never go back. And it is a good thing and I need to make right choices for the future. Just buy the overpriced juice from now on since, you know, skinny tastes better.

This is the cover of a card my best friend sent me in 2002 after something really awful happened to me.

Here is what she wrote in the inside.

I’ve kept this card in my nightstand all these years. The event that happened in 2002 I thought I would never recover from. For the most part I went through it alone. My parents were living in San Francisco, my boyfriend (now ex-husband) did not really know what to do. I just dealt with it.

As time has passed, wounds heal. What you or I have to push through is the mental pain and not letting past keep you from the future and the goals you set for yourself. I guess, that is having hope and just flat out finding a way.

It’s so hard for me to write what I feel and think and just sound like a complaining cliche. Because I’m not. But I do know that its just me, God and the road less travelled at this point.

I never thought I would run again six months ago. Yesterday, I ran my best time ever. So I’m thinking the rest is just around the corner.