Back to my goals and projects. I don’t have resolutions instead I was always taught to make goals then make a plan of how to achieve it.

1) The right job. I’m not going to beat this dead horse anymore. I have faith I am doing everything I can to get it and it will come.

2) My goal is to graduate my MBA program next year with a 3.75+. My GPA needs some work but this is manageable.

3) Maintain my weight loss and lose 5 more pounds. I’ve been holding steady at 145 and need to get on that last bit. (Remember, I’m 5′9 so I get to weigh more.)

4) Super fit. This means defined arms and a tight stomach. My end date for this is June 1.

5) Run a half marathon. I’m training but slowly. I could probably go run it now. But I my ideal is 1.30 -1.45 hours. Not sure what is actually doable. I will run the half in the fall of this year.

6) My big “crafty” project for the year is to learn to knit and learn to knit well. My first class was yesterday. My second class is tomorrow. When I made cooking a project years a go I spent a year cooking Barefoot Contessa, Emeril Lagasse, Paula Deen, and pretty much anything else I could find. I could cook before but I couldn’t cook quickly, know how to alter a recipe or smoothly cook for a crowd. By the end of the year I could.

Knitting, I plan to make my mom a throw for her bedroom. That’s the big project/request after I master the scarves.

7) Re-engage in volunteering. I physically and mentally have not been up for it last year. But I’m ready to begin again. I had to take care of myself last year.

8 ) I’m moving again to a temporary location. I’ve been fine moving regularly over the last couple of years. By the end of this year I will have a permanent location and I will have bought furniture again. I’m ready to settle down.

This isn’t really a goal but for me its something I have to think about every day. Trusting in the Lord, not getting down and pressing forward. I have felt like I’m on the brink for so many years now and sometimes its to much to take. I remember when I would say the Lord’s Pray with my Dad when he was dying. I know that I have not come this far to fail now. I know that God is here with me. I know that this to shall pass. I think my biggest issue is not questioning and doing everything in my power to follow his path and be positive. God helps those who help themselves.

That’s what I’m planning for the year. Who knows what will happen and how the plan will be altered but I’m sure it will be interesting as always. You know how I love a good story and this year is sure to bring many more.

2. I’m looking forward to going to dinner with my mom tomorrow night and then the 10:30 pm service at my church.

3. I found somewhere to move to in the Highlands yesterday. But I’m still looking around. Totally ready to get off Peachtree St. It’s to loud.

4. Bikram kicked my ass yesterday. The teacher just got out of training and was just brutal. Even one of the ladies who goes 5 days a week had to sit down twice. I was just concentrating on surviving.

5. On my way to Bikram yesterday I realized I need to stop running. Stop trying to run from the past and leave Atlanta (six times total). I’ve been non-committal to everything and everyone over the last 2 years. Its time for me to build a life. Or at least commit to a couch. I still haven’t bought any furniture since I sold everything.

6. I’m ready to go back to school. I’m bored since I don’t have a full time job. AND I HAVE A 3.47 GPA.

7. Found someone from my past is getting their karmic retribution. I might have gloated to much. I might still be gloating.

8. This is me. Now.

I feel like I look pretty good. Hard work, etc.

9. Merry Christmas to you. I hope it is your best one ever.

After he had relatively recovered he decided we were moving to Atlanta. This wasn’t the smartest move but Daddy was having a bit of a midlife crisis and he could move his company wherever he wanted so he felt it didn’t matter. I don’t know why but I was for this change. I probably should have begged to stay but I was ready to go. My parents had kept my sister and I very sheltered our whole lives so I was ready to get out of Nashville. I knew I didn’t want to go to University of Tennessee or Belmont and knew my parents weren’t going to pay for Vanderbilt. They had put me through 11 years of private school. Private college was not an option. And to be honest, at the time, I hated Nashville. I wanted to go to Atlanta, NYC or DC.

Ok, so what was going to happen with me and school? I discussed it with my mom and we weren’t going to be moved until November of 1996. This would have been during my senior year in a new town. And we had called around and none of the private schools in Atlanta would even talk to us since it was so late in the application process. Atlanta is very different from Nashville. In Nashville everyone goes to private school. I realized recently that my entire time growing up I never actually knew anyone who went to public school. It was decided that I was going to get my GED and start college in January. Mind boggling. I just went with it.

My mom took me down to the center where you sign up to take your GED and we filled out the paper work. I remember the lady asking me if I wanted to take the prep classes. I said in the childish monotone I would sometimes use “no, I went to school X. I don’t think I need that.” She stacked all the papers, looked up and said “Well good luck. But I guess you don’t need it.”

The day came to take the test. I didn’t know what to expect but I was kind of nervous. I got up really early and drove myself to the testing center. It was on the opposite side of town and I had never driven in that area by myself. Actually, I had probably never been on that side of town. Looking back this whole situation is so weird. I remember pulling up in my car which was my dad’s old Range Rover at the time. I was in a sweater skirt and tights. There were people outside smoking. They looked like they were straight out of The Outsiders. At least to me that’s what they looked like. They were probably just regular people but to a sheltered kid from a world of uniforms, LL Bean and where kids get hand me down cars of Range Rovers, Porsches, and BMWs all I could think was GANG!!!! OMG!!!! WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME!!!!

The test was all day long and it was taken in blocks according to topics. I had not brought a book or a magazine and this is before smart phones let alone cell phones. My friends had beepers. As I took each test which I finished each section in 20 minutes or less. This means I got to sit quietly in a room all day long watching other people take a GED test. There were a couple of breaks where I did not talk to anyone. I just listened to their conversations which included topics of house arrest and showing each other their house arrest bracelets on their ankles. My eyes were about to pop out of my head. I knew that before the day was out I was going to die of boredom or Ponyboy and Sodapop to kill me.

The test finally ended. I could have taken the whole thing in an hour. I guess my parents when parents thought they were investing in my education they didn’t quite think “I hope my daughter just kills it on the GED exam.” But that was that. I passed the exam (obviously), moved to Atlanta and started college in January. I don’t think of this event much anymore. I usually just tell people I graduated from school X and am done with it. Having a GED doesn’t bother me. I had extenuating circumstances and I’m in graduate school for and MBA now. It’s not a knock on my intelligence. It just happened. My ex-boyfriend used to like to tell people I didn’t graduate HS (he did it in a mean way) and I would feel this need to explain the story. The whole story. And the whole story doesn’t matter. It’s just a blip in a long history of strange, slightly odd events that make up my life. And its my life and I don’t have to make apologies for it or explain it. It’s a road less travelled and I’m proud of it nonetheless.

Anywhoo, today was another rough day. After my bi-weekly chiropractor appointment I decided I wanted to go to Whole Foods and get something to eat. Maybe a slice of pizza or a gelato. I wanted something, anything to make me feel better. (Today was the day I officially lost 20lbs but lets ignore that little tidbit. I only ate shrimp cocktail at Thanksgiving, sometimes you just need some carbs.) I decided to look around since I usually just pick up the few things I like to eat anymore and are healthy at Publix. I wanted to browse the selection especially since Whole Foods steps it up a notch during the holidays.

I started looking at the fruit and spied the guacamole. I love Whole Foods guacamole. And there was their fresh salsa right beside it. I decided that my cheat meal was going to be homemade nachos. I hadn’t had them in forever and used to love eating them when I went out a lot. Years ago I probably ate them once a week at Taco Mac with my ex-husband on free pint night. (That’s when I started gaining the weight.) Tonight there was no beer because I have to study and I rarely drink anymore. Ok, so in my basket went the small containers of guacamole and salsa. All fresh and I guess relatively homemade.

I walked down the aisles looking around but didn’t get anything. Off to the dairy case. Low-fat, organic sour cream it is. The bag of the “natural” corn tortilla chips. Making my way around the store I stopped and tried some kind of red onion cheddar Whole Foods wanted me to buy. No thank you. Just a block of Whole Foods brand cheddar cheese, still organic. Over to the salad bar I went to get a spoonful of jalapenos that I had to put in a giant (yet recycled) salad bar container. There was space left. Obviously, I just needed to taste the fried tofu and the macaroni and cheese. Both of which I’ve had many times before. And just for good measure I picked up two Arden’s Garden Supergreen juices for tomorrow. That’s my “food hangover” remedy.

I go to pay and the cashier tells me its $31.27. Now this is not unexpected. I am in Whole Foods. But to remind myself of happier times was it worth it. To pay $31.27 for organic nachos and a memory that really wasn’t that happy. I already lost all that weight and him and that life. It’s done. It’s in the past. Why do I keep trying to go back to something I don’t even want?

I’ve moved forward. Nothing about me is the same. Not even the way I talk. I barely even curse anymore and I used to have the mouth of the dirtiest sailor who just kissed a whore. Yeah, that bad. But what is it about me that can’t seem to get out of limbo? Why I am I on the slow and winding road instead of the definitive path? Why is this another year from hell no matter how much I pray or ask for guidance?

And before you get all judge-y, if you knew me in real life you would know how generally I put on the happy face. It takes a lot of effort to do that everyday though. Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside, yada yada yada. And this all pretty basic stuff but when you are going through change after change after change it takes its toll. I just need to freeze my face with botox so the stress doesn’t start to show.

Those nachos didn’t bring back a lost love or a happy memory. They just reminded me of who I no longer am and how I wished I had just drunk the green juice. They reminded me AGAIN that you can never go back. And it is a good thing and I need to make right choices for the future. Just buy the overpriced juice from now on since, you know, skinny tastes better.

This is the cover of a card my best friend sent me in 2002 after something really awful happened to me.

Here is what she wrote in the inside.

I’ve kept this card in my nightstand all these years. The event that happened in 2002 I thought I would never recover from. For the most part I went through it alone. My parents were living in San Francisco, my boyfriend (now ex-husband) did not really know what to do. I just dealt with it.

As time has passed, wounds heal. What you or I have to push through is the mental pain and not letting past keep you from the future and the goals you set for yourself. I guess, that is having hope and just flat out finding a way.

It’s so hard for me to write what I feel and think and just sound like a complaining cliche. Because I’m not. But I do know that its just me, God and the road less travelled at this point.

I never thought I would run again six months ago. Yesterday, I ran my best time ever. So I’m thinking the rest is just around the corner.

Here is a couple of things that are in motion but slowly progressing.

I’ve lost 17 lbs. I wasn’t fat, but I wasn’t where I wanted to be. I’m now heading into the low part of my weight bracket for Weight Watchers. I was in the high part. I feel a lot better. I look better. I’m finally overcoming my food issues, addictions, and living the healthy lifestyle that I have wanted to for a very long time. My lifestyle is rather strict now. But decaf, non-fat, no whip mocha’s still make their appearances. I’m doing a lot better about not eating dairy. I don’t have an allergy but it makes me feel rather bad and messes with my insides something wicked so its best to just let it go. And the less I eat it, the less I crave it so that tells me something. I ate one bowl of my macaroni and cheese I posted earlier. The rest went to family. Anyway, I have 9 lbs to go. Slowly, but surely.

I almost never drink anymore. This is huge. Booze was such a big part of my life for so many years. Now I never even crave it. It just gives me a headache. So, peace out to booze too.

My creaky bones are getting so much better. This is huge. I ordered these custom shoe inserts thru my chiropractor after we discussed trying to get me where I wasn’t in his office every single week. The inserts make it possible for me to run again. I haven’t been able to run in over 2 years. The inserts help with my completely fallen arches. As you know everything in your body is connected. So with fallen arches, scoliosis, a hip problem I was born with it’s been rough and it is getting better.

I read a lot of running blogs and would just sit there feeling bad about myself and jealous. I truly believe the saying “running is better than therapy”. Being able to get that endorphin rush again really does it for me. It makes me happy and I feel like I have accomplished something and am getting healthier by the day. I have to do yoga and exercise from the chiro almost everyday. It keeps everything stretched and also works on strength. My hip is such a problem and the sun salutes help so much. This is a continuing process. And once again, slowly but surely. (Being a turtle is annoying.)

I’m finishing my first semester of B-school. I’m so ready for it to be over. Actually I’m ready for the whole thing to be over. I want my piece of paper. Many of my fellow students feel the same way. Just a means to an end.

I have to go back to work full time. I’m working on a couple of options. I interviewed with a company that I told, hell no. No idea why I even applied. But I’m in the process with two different options but I don’t want to jinx anything. And once again, slowly but surely…,

Gah, patience is a bitch. It’s my lifelong lesson to learn. But it will work out. I will achieve my goals.

I just feel so close and yet so, so far.

That said, I have spent the whole month of July recovering from surgery. Surgery is a funny thing. There can be weird side effects that you can’t predict. I have some back problems (stemming from scoliosis) that give me problems off and on. These were exacerbated by the surgery. To the point that I could not walk without support or drive myself anywhere. No, I have not had a child but this was the worst pain I have ever been in. It was so bad I had to say, “Leslie, Move your arm. Move your arm. Plug in your phone. If it dies you won’t be able to call for help.” Needless to say I am back in therapy for my back and need to start Bikram again.

Next, I no longer work at the hated job. No, I don’t have another job. Do I care? I should more than I do. But I do know it is such a relief to not work there anymore. My boyfriend told my I have to at least get a part time job while I begin my next project and work on getting into side of business I actually want to be in. Fine. Fun employment it is.

The thing that I am so paranoid about writing about is grad school. I was accepted to the Professional MBA program at Georgia State University. This is something I have wanted for 10 years ever since I got out of undergrad. But there is an issue. My loans have not come thru. I am praying that they work out. One of the things I have always wanted and got and there is a chance it might slip thru my grasp. I start the 3 day orientation tomorrow. We will see what happens.

I am not down or depressed. I just want what I want at this point in my life. Its not a matter of the grass is greener or that I am Goldilocks. I believe that I have a will and I will find a way.

Weight Watchers is going well. For the most part. Lost 10 lbs. Not that I am fat, but 15-20 to go to get to goal size aka 2-4. It would go faster if I did not cheat with PBR and Mexican.

I will be glad to get back in the gym this coming week. I miss Exhale Spa and working out in general.

I flipped thru some of the fall clothes online. Woof! is all I have to say about that. But I am boring. I like all of 3 brands at this point.

And finally, the things that has kept me so entertained during July was all things English and Royal. I am totally and completely hooked. I check Daily Mail online at least 5 times a day. The Royal tour of Canada and LA was the whole reason I woke up from my percocet induced naps at the beginning of the month. There is nothing better than a Duchess story or picture.

I grew up with Diana though. I was a toddle and my mom got me up to watch that wedding back in 1981. And I was in Canada when she died. Love me some Royals. Sites like What Kate Wore make my day too.

Anyway, that’s a little bit about what has been going on with me.

I tried to turn my head, but had stay looking forward. “Why, R? You don’t actually flip out, right?”

“No, I don’t actually flip out. But I want a family. I want kids. I am tired of being single. How many more weddings do I have to to go to where I wonder why is she with him? How many more baby showers do I have to go too?”

My friend is the typical, pretty, successful, homeowner, Mercedes-driving 32 year old that has put her entire effort into her job and her church. She has dated A LOT of people. Had the opportunity to marry one or two of them. She definitely has a bit of a Cinderella complex. This situation is nothing new. I think what makes it worse for R is that she could give 27 Dresses a run for its money.

I said, “Well, if you want to get married you can get married. But think of it this way plenty of these people are not going to last. You saved yourself a starter marriage.”

She laughed.

I mean, no one wants a starter marriage. I certainly did not.

R has met my boyfriend. I told her what our other friend said about him when she saw him on the news.

“He looks and talks just like your Dad. It’s uncanny.”

Um, ok. That creeps me out.

But I have a response. My dad was a wonderful person and if I am lucky enough to marry a man who is similar to him the next time.
If I have daddy issues now so be it.

I repeated all of the to R and she laughed. R has a bit of a Christian complex. Lots of regrets about the past that she won’t let go of so now she dates 40 year old virgins who drink Shirley Temple’s. That is not healthy either.

“R, just get a guy with decent job, loves God and his mom, will have a few cocktails and is not a 40 year old virgin. That is NOT HARD TO FIND.”

True, Leslie. Very true.

It’s hard for me as well. As I watch all my friends have babies, I have had to take the view of these are my nieces. I get to buy them Tiffany banks and Madame Alexander dolls. And one day, when they are fully potty trained, I will be more than happy to babysit them. I just think you have to find a way to make these situations your own. They are not ideal, but I have bigger things to deal with like my hated job than worry about the fact that I don’t have the kids I want. Lord, what if I did have a kid and I was single. Yuck. Not for me. Total nightmare. And that is when I am reminded that things could be so much worse.

Patience is a virtue that R and myself have to pray for on a daily basis.

And for me being grateful for what I do have. Finding a way to ALWAYS AND CONTINUALLY move forward.

It’s so hard to not compare yourself and feel jealous of what others have. To not wonder, why is that not me, what have I done woring? Frustrating is the least of it. Seeing the facts and not being negatives.

My bff told me awhile back when I was crying to her about something (who knows what) “but Leslie, no matter what has happened you have always pushed forward and made the best of it.” It was nice to hear someone give me a bit of validation. I am grateful for her support.

And things change within the blink of an eye. My bff is married with a baby in under a year. All her dreams came true.

I said that to R. She said I know.

And then I hobbled into my condo building under my ridiculous Louis Vuitton umbrella.

Let’s take a walk down memory lane. I worked for Banana Republice every year I was in college. I held many different positions within the company. Exceeded all goals. After college, I was a regional visual merchandise manager for another retail company. I travelled thru the Southeast and when called upon the country, training store managers and staff how to best merchandise their stores to boost sales and also how to sell the merchandise. Ended up leaving that job because they doubled my territory with no pay increase and my boyfriend, now ex-husband, threatened to leave me if I did not stop travelling. (Should have known then.)

I then decided I wanted to work in real estate. Got a job in a design center of a large SE home builder helping people design the interiors of the beige boxes they were purchasing with more beige upgrades. I could sell the hell out of some upgraded beige carpet and tile. Anyway, it was just a stop.

Next, my Dad finally decided I could come work for his construction company. He started it from nothing and it had been around for almost 30 years. Anyway, he was bored and started to let it go by the wayside. Suddenly though he was sick and dying. The burden was now on me and my mom to keep it going. Needless to say we did. Under my watch we actually had the biggest sales year ever. This coming after his death. But then the economy tanked, there was no work and my mom was just sick of it. I ran myself ragged and knew it was coming. To be quite honest, I was over it. It played a hand in my divorce too. My divorce was inevitable, this just edged it along.

Anyway, now I had to find another job. I decided I wanted to move from Atlanta and started looking. Unfortunately, people did not quite understand what I had accomplised and I am only giving an overview here. I got a pharmaceutical sales job, but due to cut backs it never became mine. Pharmaceutical/medical device sales is the one job that has always eluded me. I actually have set out to get every job I have ever gotten. For better or worse. I ended up with a territory sales rep job with a nation wide casket manufacturer. Shockingly, made that my bitch too. But after 65K miles in 10 months and the funeral industry tanking too I had, had enough.

Back to Atlanta I came. I decided I was going to get a job selling financial services or selling IT products. No experience in either. My thought process was that they are industries that are never going away and still relatively flourishing. I ended up with an IT sales job selling new and refurbished hardware. Mostly B to B. They said it was an established territory but that is not true. My one requirement was that I did not want to open another territory or repair other peoples mistakes like I have had to do in EVERY job I have EVER had. Also, not true. Ugh, just so not the right fit. Not what I was expecting or wanting at all. And trust, I did my due diligence. I asked every question under the sun. The answers and reality are two different things.

So here we are, back again in the land of miserable and barely able to rise in the morning. Please believe me, I do not have a Cinderella complex or that the grass is greener on the other side. These mistakes are on me. I was looking for the wrong thing. People kept saying why don’t you go back to retail. I don’t want to work in the mall. I don’t want that life. But what I do want is to continue to be an outside rep. And I would like to travel again. The nameless airports and hotels is the life for me. But I just could not put my finger on what I was looking for or rather not looking at/for until today.

I was trolling around LinkedIn and up pops this job. Its the perfect job for me. Its an outside rep position for a large skin care company. The products are sold by plastic surgeons. Yes, if I could push drugs for Astra Zeneca I would. But I would also love to rep skin care or clothes in the Mart or basically anything where I have to sell “the dream”. Believe me, I can get you alone in a dressing room, a restaurant, or at an event you will want what I am selling. Or even what I am experiencing/loving right then.

Here it is in layman’s terms. I hate computers, construction, finance, etc. Its not for me. I LOVE superficial stuff. I regret every day of my life I turned down the corporate Neiman Marcus job. I just want to sell something I love and can get behind. Imagine how successful I would be if I actually liked what I was doing? Not loathed every second of it and out of shear willpower continued to succeed.

I’ve been pretending to be something I’m not. Feeling that I needed a job that was more technical, what I think of as more respected. Something that mattered. But to be perfectly honest, if all I had were my clothes and skin care I would be fine. As long I got to go out there and make someone feel good about what they were buying. That I sold something to a store owner that I knew was going to make other people feel good about themselves I know I would be happy.

I could go on and on. And I might not even being making total sense right now since I was out to Mexican with my sister. But I am right. And no I don’t want to cure cancer or find world peace. But I know I can affect someone’s bottom line thru selling stuff that makes people feel good even if it for a shortwhile.

And now I just have to go find said magical, mystery job. Scary. But I’m right about this. And one way or another I will find it. Just like I always do. I know I can do anything and be successful. I have left out so many details of the story and my actual “sales accomplishments”, but I’m sure you get the picture.

If you follow me on Twitter you know I have had to work thru many, many things.

QUICK RECAP:
Divorced
Had to close my family’s company of 30 years due to my Mother’s retirement and the economy
Got baptized
Got a new job as a territory sales rep
Moved to Macon, GA where I know NO ONE
Been thru a rebound boyfriend and a boyfriend I almost married
Physical therapy for my hip
Took Kaplan for the GMAT which I get to take again because I sucked so bad the first time
Working really hard to stay gluten and dairy free. Not always successful.
List goes on and on.

If you had told me 2 years ago let alone 5 years ago that this would all be going down I NEVER would have believed you. EVER.

I had planned to stay married for life, work for my family for life and never leave Atlanta. None of that is happening. It is still hard for me to understand why everything had to change so much. But I have said it once and I will say it again I am glad I went thru it at 30 or 31 and not 40+ with kids.

And as I have changed or had to go with the flow my faith in God has increased and strengthened. I will be honest with you at one point I did think about suicide. My whole world had fallen apart. I just was not sure if I could go on. My husband was someone I did not know. Someone who wanted a completely different life and had very different values than me. I was finally off of multiple mind alternating substances, but still drinking heavily. The greatest success of my life was shutting down due to no fault of mine or my Mom’s. People I was friends with while married no longer spoke to me. Even though I was the one who had thrown the parties, bought the gifts, provided if they needed anything. I felt completely alone and just felt like it did not matter any more.

Now I am one to joke and play things off, but it was bad. My Mom would call me if I did not show up to work on time to make sure I was still alive. I had to go to therapy. It sucked. But in the end I did not want to give up. I knew that I had “nine lives” and it was time to move on to the next. I turned to God. I prayed every day. I prayed for wisdom, patience and just to get thru it. And I did.

Everybody gets divorced anymore. There is more to that story and why it was so brutal which I will talk maybe in the future. The divorce is my big insecurity and something I am still working thru.

What I am trying to say, rather poorly, is that I feel like the light just might be here. Life goes on. Life has problems. I thank God for being alive and getting another chance at it.

I need to work on this blog. The links are irrelevant now and the blog will be much more personal than it used to be. So we just see what happens.

And I promise I won’t be depressing all the time.