Archive for the ‘health’ Category

It’s been a week from hell. Actually a week and two days. I had to write three papers as part of my finals in grad school, I have an exam tomorrow I’ve barely studied for and the world’s longest, break-up is finally over. I had a little bit of a light bulb moment yesterday which was totally annoying but glad I figured it out. I will spare you the details but due to all of that and a few other miscellaneous family issues I’ve been just a bit upset. To be perfectly honest, I can’t stop crying. Mercury retrograde is kicking my a$$.

Anywhoo, today was another rough day. After my bi-weekly chiropractor appointment I decided I wanted to go to Whole Foods and get something to eat. Maybe a slice of pizza or a gelato. I wanted something, anything to make me feel better. (Today was the day I officially lost 20lbs but lets ignore that little tidbit. I only ate shrimp cocktail at Thanksgiving, sometimes you just need some carbs.) I decided to look around since I usually just pick up the few things I like to eat anymore and are healthy at Publix. I wanted to browse the selection especially since Whole Foods steps it up a notch during the holidays.

I started looking at the fruit and spied the guacamole. I love Whole Foods guacamole. And there was their fresh salsa right beside it. I decided that my cheat meal was going to be homemade nachos. I hadn’t had them in forever and used to love eating them when I went out a lot. Years ago I probably ate them once a week at Taco Mac with my ex-husband on free pint night. (That’s when I started gaining the weight.) Tonight there was no beer because I have to study and I rarely drink anymore. Ok, so in my basket went the small containers of guacamole and salsa. All fresh and I guess relatively homemade.

I walked down the aisles looking around but didn’t get anything. Off to the dairy case. Low-fat, organic sour cream it is. The bag of the “natural” corn tortilla chips. Making my way around the store I stopped and tried some kind of red onion cheddar Whole Foods wanted me to buy. No thank you. Just a block of Whole Foods brand cheddar cheese, still organic. Over to the salad bar I went to get a spoonful of jalapenos that I had to put in a giant (yet recycled) salad bar container. There was space left. Obviously, I just needed to taste the fried tofu and the macaroni and cheese. Both of which I’ve had many times before. And just for good measure I picked up two Arden’s Garden Supergreen juices for tomorrow. That’s my “food hangover” remedy.

I go to pay and the cashier tells me its $31.27. Now this is not unexpected. I am in Whole Foods. But to remind myself of happier times was it worth it. To pay $31.27 for organic nachos and a memory that really wasn’t that happy. I already lost all that weight and him and that life. It’s done. It’s in the past. Why do I keep trying to go back to something I don’t even want?

I’ve moved forward. Nothing about me is the same. Not even the way I talk. I barely even curse anymore and I used to have the mouth of the dirtiest sailor who just kissed a whore. Yeah, that bad. But what is it about me that can’t seem to get out of limbo? Why I am I on the slow and winding road instead of the definitive path? Why is this another year from hell no matter how much I pray or ask for guidance?

And before you get all judge-y, if you knew me in real life you would know how generally I put on the happy face. It takes a lot of effort to do that everyday though. Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside, yada yada yada. And this all pretty basic stuff but when you are going through change after change after change it takes its toll. I just need to freeze my face with botox so the stress doesn’t start to show.

Those nachos didn’t bring back a lost love or a happy memory. They just reminded me of who I no longer am and how I wished I had just drunk the green juice. They reminded me AGAIN that you can never go back. And it is a good thing and I need to make right choices for the future. Just buy the overpriced juice from now on since, you know, skinny tastes better.

I obsess about food, eating and how I look. I’ve been a lot heavier than I currently am. That was also quite a few years a go. I want to be thinner than I am. I want to be “smoother” not have some annoying pudge. Now before you start riffing and saying that I thin, healthy, normal, or maybe for some pudgy, hear me out. I am fully aware that I am in the healthy bracket of Weight Watchers. Completely understand that I am tall and am going to weight more than other people.

But I am not happy. My weight and fitness level seems to be something that I just cannot conquer. As I type this I am getting stressed out to the point of tears. I started Weight Watchers a couple of weeks a go and promptly lost the weight I had gained that week from eating out several nights in a row. Turns out my metabolism just does not effing work. I have had TWO cheat meals and promptly gained 5 lbs back. True, this included booze. But COME ON!!!! FIVE POUNDS!!!!! I can not seem to get below a certain rung on the weight ladder and it is driving me crazy.

So I am going to tell you my height, weight and where I want to be. What I think, hopefully, would make me happy.

And most of you have seen me on twitter doing OOTD’s. I wear a size 6 in DVF wrap dresses.

Height: 5′9
Weight: 160 lbs

I am mortified I weigh that amount. It doesn’t matter that is NORMAL. I don’t want to be normal. I want to be THIN.

And YES, I read to many magazines. And YES, I wish I looked like a brunette Gwyneth Paltrow. And YES, I realize that there are greater problems in the world. I DON’T CARE!!! I WANT TO WEIGH 140-145 and be physically fit. Not nasty skinny fat.

I have joined exhale spa here in Atlanta and those classes are helping me tone up. Would prefer to still be in Bikram but the school’s class schedule does not work with my ridiculous work schedule.

And trust me, I am not sitting around eating cookies in my car. I am eating fresh, healthy food. Not boxed mac n’ cheese.

Another frustrating thing is I feel bloated but have had no appetite for the last week and a half. Weird.

There, I have essentially bared my soul.