Archive for the ‘blog’ Category

I already tweeted about this last week but today starts Lent and I haven’t posted in about two weeks. I’m adding something to my life this year rather than giving something up. I decided to specifically show gratitude or do something thoughtful for at least one person a day for the 40 days of Lent.

I have struggled with being grateful and happy which I’m sure you know. I struggle with this journey that I’m on and realizing that my time table is not other people’s time table or even Christ’s time table for me. I struggle with not reliving the past to much and playing the game of Why Me? I struggle with not comparing myself or being to hard on myself in general. I have to work really hard to keep Christ in my mind on a daily basis and not forget that I’m not alone. I NEVER WANT TO BE BITTER. Bitter makes you ugly inside and out and no one wants that to happen. I want to really move forward from the past with this process and not talk about it anymore except anecdotally and with fondness. Nothing more or less.

I’m trying to focus on the good, the positive and how Christ has saved me. He saved me by dying for me on the cross. He saved me three years a go when this journey started. He has given me strength to keep going and make the hard decisions. Things keep slowly but surely working out and I know its not necessarily because of me.

The Lent season has significance for me because I watched my Dad finally die during it and Ash Wednesday is my drug free anniversary. Lots of changes in this time seem to occur. Not sure why its like that or if it happens for others in that same way. On the positive I’ve now been drug free for three years and my alcoholic ways are behind me. I think this will be the last time I mention any of that on this blog as well. It took a lot to get here but I’m here.

I decided two nights a go I was going to get up yesterday and run 10 miles. My training for a half marathon is sporadic at best. But I ran those 10.5 miles very easily. I could have finished the rest of the half marathon if I wanted too. First, time I’ve run that distance in my life. I feel like running is changing me and for the better. Like I can see an even bigger picture than I could see before. Running is something I used to refuse to do years a go. I can’t was always the response. Now its I can and I’m actually fast when I want to be. I’m 33 and suddenly I’m an athlete of sorts.

I’m beyond grateful for this. I’m so grateful that I can run after last summer’s events and physical problems. I’m so grateful that its becoming easier. I’m grateful that my best thinking and planning comes when I’m running. I’m grateful that I’m achieving something that is personal and means something and that no one ever thought I would. I’m grateful that I can run 8:30 minute miles if I want too. That I can sprint at under an 8 minute mile pace. I’m grateful for what running has done for my mind.

I’m not some amazing runner nor do I want to enter races and place or whatever. I just want to be left alone on a treadmill with my headphones and my electronica music. Its the one time I want to be alone.

Running is something I’m personally grateful for. My first act of gratitude I actually did yesterday. My friend had asked me to make my macaroni and cheese for her family. I bought the ingredients and made it. Of course, there is enough for an army but who cares it fresh macaroni and cheese!

I’m not going to do 40 posts about gratitude. That would be weird. Just letting you know a little bit more about me and what I’m trying to work on during this significant time of year. AND how I’m really going to try to not speak about the past anymore. It’s done.

I wanted to actually do this post in a timely manner. Even if it will lack pictures, video, etc.

Linking up to Shasta and Megan for these questions. I’m kind of excited about doing these since I lately my content hasn’t been very fun or frequent.

1) favorite beauty product of all time

The glycolic pads I buy from Derma-Luxe. If I didn’t use them I would still have problem skin.

2) what do you use on your hair

Not much. When I remember I use a keratase product after I get out of the shower. I’ve used Brilliant Brunette shampoo for years. I don’t really believe in expensive shampoo. A flat iron. I still need to learn how to use hot rollers.

3) complete skin care routine

Wash all the makeup of with a cleanser, glycolic pad, retin-a, cream, eye cream. Simple.

4) favorite handbag

I don’t use it to much. But its actually my LV speedy with the green trim and all the holes punched out of it. It was a special addition back in 2006 and it was the last bag my Dad every bought me.

5) one thing you would change about yourself

Teeth. I need to focus on whitening them.

6) one thing you like about yourself

EVERYTHING! I kid. I love my hair and I like being tall.

7) most memorable outfit of all time

One that I loved but didn’t get to wear much was this amazing dress from Jean Paul Gaultier I bought in college from Jeffrey. It was red and was made out of a sheer, mesh material. There was red embroidery all over the front. It came down to my knees and had this cool drape of material in the back around my knees. I wore a Vivienne Tam slip under it. It got damaged and was unrepairable. I just recently got rid of it. I kept it all these years because I liked to look at it.

8 ) which celeb closet you would like to raid

Love Rachel Zoe. Love Gwyneth. Love Kate Beckinsale’s event outfits. There are some fashion people I like as well.

9) describe your style in one word

Currently, back to the beginning. I like black, animal print, pink, white and khaki which are my true loves. I like glam, but I like little lace tops from Anthropologie as well. I’ve gotten rid of all the stuff I would consider “preppy”. I’m a Gemini so I always feel like I have two styles. One, is more glam and chic. The other is in jeans, heels, a little top and lots of vintage jewelry. Kind of updated 70s retro.

10) how/why did you start blogging

I started blogging at the beginning of 2007. I began reading blogs in 2006. My blog had a very different focus then. Hence, why you might not think the name makes much sense anymore.

I have been thinking about trying to blog again. I only read a few blogs anymore. And the ones I do read I click thru on another blog’s blogroll. Lame, I know. Don’t even check my reader. My question is always “what am I going to say?” Should I be a food blogger, a fashion blogger, diary-esque, events focused, book reviews, the list goes on and on. What do I want to be when I grow up is the rhetorical question?

I hide behind twitter too. Not that is that private, but I feel like I can be relatively honest in 140 characters. I feel like if I start blogging then it will be a laundry list of complaints. But that’s not really true either. Because I don’t always complain. And I am working really hard to not be bitter about the past or even think about it. My original blog started as a preppy-ish, girl about town, restaurant reviews etc. There is another local blog that has pretty much taken over that space so I am not even going to try.

So I think I am just going to jump in to this again. I am just going to write what I want about whatever I want. If it is my life, feelings, diet, botox, hatred of the sun, clothes, whatever.

Bleh, I am already having doubts. Must press on.

Like the new look? Jessica over at the The Love List did it for me and I luuuvvvveee it. She did exactly what I wanted.

If you follow me on Twitter you know I have had to work thru many, many things.

QUICK RECAP:
Divorced
Had to close my family’s company of 30 years due to my Mother’s retirement and the economy
Got baptized
Got a new job as a territory sales rep
Moved to Macon, GA where I know NO ONE
Been thru a rebound boyfriend and a boyfriend I almost married
Physical therapy for my hip
Took Kaplan for the GMAT which I get to take again because I sucked so bad the first time
Working really hard to stay gluten and dairy free. Not always successful.
List goes on and on.

If you had told me 2 years ago let alone 5 years ago that this would all be going down I NEVER would have believed you. EVER.

I had planned to stay married for life, work for my family for life and never leave Atlanta. None of that is happening. It is still hard for me to understand why everything had to change so much. But I have said it once and I will say it again I am glad I went thru it at 30 or 31 and not 40+ with kids.

And as I have changed or had to go with the flow my faith in God has increased and strengthened. I will be honest with you at one point I did think about suicide. My whole world had fallen apart. I just was not sure if I could go on. My husband was someone I did not know. Someone who wanted a completely different life and had very different values than me. I was finally off of multiple mind alternating substances, but still drinking heavily. The greatest success of my life was shutting down due to no fault of mine or my Mom’s. People I was friends with while married no longer spoke to me. Even though I was the one who had thrown the parties, bought the gifts, provided if they needed anything. I felt completely alone and just felt like it did not matter any more.

Now I am one to joke and play things off, but it was bad. My Mom would call me if I did not show up to work on time to make sure I was still alive. I had to go to therapy. It sucked. But in the end I did not want to give up. I knew that I had “nine lives” and it was time to move on to the next. I turned to God. I prayed every day. I prayed for wisdom, patience and just to get thru it. And I did.

Everybody gets divorced anymore. There is more to that story and why it was so brutal which I will talk maybe in the future. The divorce is my big insecurity and something I am still working thru.

What I am trying to say, rather poorly, is that I feel like the light just might be here. Life goes on. Life has problems. I thank God for being alive and getting another chance at it.

I need to work on this blog. The links are irrelevant now and the blog will be much more personal than it used to be. So we just see what happens.

And I promise I won’t be depressing all the time.