Author Archive

I have a lot going on and then I have nothing going on. I’m in a hold pattern of sorts. It’s kind of like getting one of those people movers at the airport. But then not walking. Just standing there and being slowly carried forward. Patience is not my strong suit so this is hard. Then not feeling like a massive failure is hard as well. I’m not a quitter and this year has been rough. AGAIN. But I have faith in the Lord and myself. I’ve made it this far so I will make it to the end.

Here is a couple of things that are in motion but slowly progressing.

I’ve lost 17 lbs. I wasn’t fat, but I wasn’t where I wanted to be. I’m now heading into the low part of my weight bracket for Weight Watchers. I was in the high part. I feel a lot better. I look better. I’m finally overcoming my food issues, addictions, and living the healthy lifestyle that I have wanted to for a very long time. My lifestyle is rather strict now. But decaf, non-fat, no whip mocha’s still make their appearances. I’m doing a lot better about not eating dairy. I don’t have an allergy but it makes me feel rather bad and messes with my insides something wicked so its best to just let it go. And the less I eat it, the less I crave it so that tells me something. I ate one bowl of my macaroni and cheese I posted earlier. The rest went to family. Anyway, I have 9 lbs to go. Slowly, but surely.

I almost never drink anymore. This is huge. Booze was such a big part of my life for so many years. Now I never even crave it. It just gives me a headache. So, peace out to booze too.

My creaky bones are getting so much better. This is huge. I ordered these custom shoe inserts thru my chiropractor after we discussed trying to get me where I wasn’t in his office every single week. The inserts make it possible for me to run again. I haven’t been able to run in over 2 years. The inserts help with my completely fallen arches. As you know everything in your body is connected. So with fallen arches, scoliosis, a hip problem I was born with it’s been rough and it is getting better.

I read a lot of running blogs and would just sit there feeling bad about myself and jealous. I truly believe the saying “running is better than therapy”. Being able to get that endorphin rush again really does it for me. It makes me happy and I feel like I have accomplished something and am getting healthier by the day. I have to do yoga and exercise from the chiro almost everyday. It keeps everything stretched and also works on strength. My hip is such a problem and the sun salutes help so much. This is a continuing process. And once again, slowly but surely. (Being a turtle is annoying.)

I’m finishing my first semester of B-school. I’m so ready for it to be over. Actually I’m ready for the whole thing to be over. I want my piece of paper. Many of my fellow students feel the same way. Just a means to an end.

I have to go back to work full time. I’m working on a couple of options. I interviewed with a company that I told, hell no. No idea why I even applied. But I’m in the process with two different options but I don’t want to jinx anything. And once again, slowly but surely…,

Gah, patience is a bitch. It’s my lifelong lesson to learn. But it will work out. I will achieve my goals.

I just feel so close and yet so, so far.

I filmed a pseudo-tutorial on how to make my version of macaroni and cheese. It’s split into 3, shaky, iphone videos because I had to do it myself. But I think you will get the general idea.

One thing I forgot to add is I showed my friend how to make this recipe. She does her own version but with a gouda mix. She says it is amazing, but I have never tried it. You can do whatever mix of cheese you like. I just use a
mix of cheddars.

The point of this recipe is to have a Southern-style, macaroni & cheese that has flavor and remains moist. Even in leftover form.

I feel I have accomplished those goals and according to everyone else for the last 15 years of my life I have done just that.

So here you go.

Let me know what you think.

THE INGREDIENTS

MAC & Cheese 1

A LITTLE BIT OF INFO

Mac & Cheese 2

THE FINISH

Mac & Cheese 3

And I don’t know why this blog won’t let me just insert videos but I’m very irritated with it right now.

I have all this stuff going on again. And I am not sleeping. Tis life it seems.

Anyway, I have a friend who is I met through my boyfriend. My friend is another, older lawyer who I refer to as my hippie lawyer, due to his long gray ponytail and love of all things Liberal. I LOVE my friend. He makes me roll with laughter and he takes care of all my moving violations.

Several weeks ago I had to go sit for the final time with him at court for my last speeding ticket. As we were sitting in the hallway waiting he tells me jokes in between answering phone calls for his regular job which is criminal defense work. The way he says, “I’m sorry, but your son is not getting out of jail any time soon. Why? They found him with a 5 lbs of marijuana in his car. Yes, this is serious.” Can be rather funny to listen to. If you have a warped sense of humor and I do.

Ok, back to the jokes.

Here is the first one.

A man was driving down the road and rear-ended a car. The accident was definitely the man’s fault and he immediately became worried due to having little insurance and a crappy car. As the man sat in his car worrying, he waited for the other driver to get out of his car to inspect the damage. The other driver finally got out of his car. Turns out the driver was raging mad and he as also a midget.

The at fault driver slowly got out of his car. The midget was jumping up and down on the side of the road yelling “I’m not happy, I’m not happy.”

The at fault driver then said, “Well, which one are you?”

Needless to say I think that joke is funny if you like midget humor.

My hippie lawyer has told me many other jokes but this next one is my all time favorite. I told it to my chiropractor and he is obsessed with it to.

A son comes to his father and asks, “Daddy, please explain to me the difference between hypothetically and realistically.” The father says, “Sure. Go as you 3 sisters and your mother if they would sleep with a total stranger for a million dollars.”

Off the boy runs. Finally, he comes back to his dad. “Daddy, daddy! I have the answers. My sisters and Mom all said they would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars.”

The father looks down at his son and says, “Ok, hypothetically we are sitting on a lot of money. Realistically, we are living with a bunch of whores.”

Cue hysterical laughter on my part.

I got the email earlier today that my loans for grad school have gone thru. No one likes to take on loans but these are a necessary evil. Getting my MBA has been a 10 year dream of mine and it is finally happening. Lots of work and studying, but it going to be totally worth it.

I am in a prep class this week to prepare for the first accounting class. I took accounting in undergrad but have a lot of anxiety about it and this is already helping. Hopefully.

Also, I have anxiety about grades because in undergrad I did as little as possible to graduate. I don’t have a clear memory of undergrad anyway but this time my goal is to come out at the top. In undergrad I did not buy the books half the time and still passed so who knows what I could have done if I actually made an effort. My mom still rants about this fact.

Anyway, my next main goal is to finish my weight loss. My mom saw me the other day and thought I did not need to loose any more weight. This is ridiculous. I have not reached a size 4 yet and still have some items in my closet that I have hung on to thru the years that I still can’t comfortably wear. So I will continue on the WW train and make this happen.

Next, I am waiting to hear back about some fun employment. Something part time that is fun, where I don’t have to be on call for the first time in my adult life and where I can just focus on school. Hopefully, I don’t have to start looking for full time till the beginning of next year.

I have a new idea about a large company I might want to work for. A company that I have not thought of before but I love their product and their US headquarters is in Atlanta. My boyfriend and mother both thought this idea was rather ingenious so we will see. I am going to have my meeting with the career counselors before I start pursuing any job including this possibility. I don’t want to make another mistake.

Going to my gym tonight for the first time before I got sick. Scary. I have lost so much strength in the past month. Woof! is an understatement. But spinning here I come.

It’s so effing hot I could die. I hate the sun.

Finally, a fashion quandry. I was going to get the green DVF Maja dress when it first came out. I love(d) it. But then Duchess Catherine has worn it twice. Even though I love it I feel like I can’t get it because it is so recognizable now. And no matter how much I love following Duchess Catherine I am really uninterested for people to think I am copying her. Total white girl problem but still its an issue!

I am looking forward to my friend’s baby’s first birthday party. One, because I love her and her baby. Two, because it will be at her mom’s house which is so fabulously decorated I could DIE (again). So delicious.

Anyway, that’s my latest stream of consciousness.

I document a lot of my life on twitter. I am a bit obsessed with twitter. But I find that people think they really, really, really know you from those 140 characters. For instance, I might think I am only stating fact but another person might perceive it as very negative or being dramatic. I try to be very honest, probably more than I should be. I don’t feel that I hide anything. This is my choice completely, but every once in awhile I wonder why people specifically say that they only try to show the good and only be positive. I work very hard to be positive as well. Hello? I have a lot to deal with but it will all be overcome. POSITIVITY! I guess, to each their own. I won’t judge them as long as they don’t judge me.

That said, I have spent the whole month of July recovering from surgery. Surgery is a funny thing. There can be weird side effects that you can’t predict. I have some back problems (stemming from scoliosis) that give me problems off and on. These were exacerbated by the surgery. To the point that I could not walk without support or drive myself anywhere. No, I have not had a child but this was the worst pain I have ever been in. It was so bad I had to say, “Leslie, Move your arm. Move your arm. Plug in your phone. If it dies you won’t be able to call for help.” Needless to say I am back in therapy for my back and need to start Bikram again.

Next, I no longer work at the hated job. No, I don’t have another job. Do I care? I should more than I do. But I do know it is such a relief to not work there anymore. My boyfriend told my I have to at least get a part time job while I begin my next project and work on getting into side of business I actually want to be in. Fine. Fun employment it is.

The thing that I am so paranoid about writing about is grad school. I was accepted to the Professional MBA program at Georgia State University. This is something I have wanted for 10 years ever since I got out of undergrad. But there is an issue. My loans have not come thru. I am praying that they work out. One of the things I have always wanted and got and there is a chance it might slip thru my grasp. I start the 3 day orientation tomorrow. We will see what happens.

I am not down or depressed. I just want what I want at this point in my life. Its not a matter of the grass is greener or that I am Goldilocks. I believe that I have a will and I will find a way.

Weight Watchers is going well. For the most part. Lost 10 lbs. Not that I am fat, but 15-20 to go to get to goal size aka 2-4. It would go faster if I did not cheat with PBR and Mexican.

I will be glad to get back in the gym this coming week. I miss Exhale Spa and working out in general.

I flipped thru some of the fall clothes online. Woof! is all I have to say about that. But I am boring. I like all of 3 brands at this point.

And finally, the things that has kept me so entertained during July was all things English and Royal. I am totally and completely hooked. I check Daily Mail online at least 5 times a day. The Royal tour of Canada and LA was the whole reason I woke up from my percocet induced naps at the beginning of the month. There is nothing better than a Duchess story or picture.

I grew up with Diana though. I was a toddle and my mom got me up to watch that wedding back in 1981. And I was in Canada when she died. Love me some Royals. Sites like What Kate Wore make my day too.

Anyway, that’s a little bit about what has been going on with me.

My friend came to pick me up yesterday to go the doctor because I am still in to much pain to drive. Very grateful for that. On the ride home she looks at me and says, “I can’t take it anymore. Every time I see a baby I flip out.”

I tried to turn my head, but had stay looking forward. “Why, R? You don’t actually flip out, right?”

“No, I don’t actually flip out. But I want a family. I want kids. I am tired of being single. How many more weddings do I have to to go to where I wonder why is she with him? How many more baby showers do I have to go too?”

My friend is the typical, pretty, successful, homeowner, Mercedes-driving 32 year old that has put her entire effort into her job and her church. She has dated A LOT of people. Had the opportunity to marry one or two of them. She definitely has a bit of a Cinderella complex. This situation is nothing new. I think what makes it worse for R is that she could give 27 Dresses a run for its money.

I said, “Well, if you want to get married you can get married. But think of it this way plenty of these people are not going to last. You saved yourself a starter marriage.”

She laughed.

I mean, no one wants a starter marriage. I certainly did not.

R has met my boyfriend. I told her what our other friend said about him when she saw him on the news.

“He looks and talks just like your Dad. It’s uncanny.”

Um, ok. That creeps me out.

But I have a response. My dad was a wonderful person and if I am lucky enough to marry a man who is similar to him the next time.
If I have daddy issues now so be it.

I repeated all of the to R and she laughed. R has a bit of a Christian complex. Lots of regrets about the past that she won’t let go of so now she dates 40 year old virgins who drink Shirley Temple’s. That is not healthy either.

“R, just get a guy with decent job, loves God and his mom, will have a few cocktails and is not a 40 year old virgin. That is NOT HARD TO FIND.”

True, Leslie. Very true.

It’s hard for me as well. As I watch all my friends have babies, I have had to take the view of these are my nieces. I get to buy them Tiffany banks and Madame Alexander dolls. And one day, when they are fully potty trained, I will be more than happy to babysit them. I just think you have to find a way to make these situations your own. They are not ideal, but I have bigger things to deal with like my hated job than worry about the fact that I don’t have the kids I want. Lord, what if I did have a kid and I was single. Yuck. Not for me. Total nightmare. And that is when I am reminded that things could be so much worse.

Patience is a virtue that R and myself have to pray for on a daily basis.

And for me being grateful for what I do have. Finding a way to ALWAYS AND CONTINUALLY move forward.

It’s so hard to not compare yourself and feel jealous of what others have. To not wonder, why is that not me, what have I done woring? Frustrating is the least of it. Seeing the facts and not being negatives.

My bff told me awhile back when I was crying to her about something (who knows what) “but Leslie, no matter what has happened you have always pushed forward and made the best of it.” It was nice to hear someone give me a bit of validation. I am grateful for her support.

And things change within the blink of an eye. My bff is married with a baby in under a year. All her dreams came true.

I said that to R. She said I know.

And then I hobbled into my condo building under my ridiculous Louis Vuitton umbrella.

I will save my latest life quandries for later and just talk about random shit.

1) My best friend had her baby yesterday. Very exciting. As long as I have known C, I have known her since 4th grade, she could not wait to have babies and now she has one.

2) I was at a lunch, mixer thing yesterday for work. After the speakers were done a man sitting at my table wanted to know about the watch I wear. I wear a vintage, Rolex submariner that was my dead father’s. Anyway, I tell the story to the table (its actually a long story because it includes rescuing said watch from ex-husband) and everyone has the appropriate responses except the man who asked in the first place. He says, “I always thought people who wore watches with large faces were trying to overcompensate for something.” Like its a car or something. He continues on this train of thought why my death stare is boring into him. I am shocked he did not burst into flames because that is what I was shooting at him. He finally looks at me and says, “so what are you trying to over compensating for?” Did he not just listen to my story? Was he staring at my boobs? I said, “It’s a MEMORY.” And turned around in my chair to look at twitterfeed so I did not leap across the table and punch him in the face.

3) I received a black, Goyard St. Louis as gift. I love it. It’s my pet. I’m obsessed.

4) I am also obsessed with Martyn from Million Dollar Decorators. Like, way obsessed. I just want him to call me and say “Lessssslaaayyyy, you are fahhhhntassstic. Let’s go get cocktails and botox together and have a fahhhbulous time.” Call me, Martyn. I’ll be straight girlfriend anyday.

5) Finally, today I had to go in for an ultra sound to try and figure out why I have constant pain. This pain ranges in dull to stabbing, bend over gasping for air pain. It’s just swell. I get to Northside Hospital where they tell me that to drink more water. This former club kid can hold A LOT of liquid in her bladder. It took forever to get my bladder all the way full. On the third try of having goo slathered on my stomach the tech could finally see what they needed to see. SIDE NOTE: I have a tilted uterus. And all I could think is “I really am like Charlotte.” Except with a foul mouth. Anyway, I am chatting away with the tech thru all this and she says its time for the OTHER KIND OF ULTRA SOUND. The kind where no one gets a happy ending but the ultrasound machine. I continue to chat thru this and the tech is laughing and says, “You are a mess.” And of course my respond “At least I am a hot mess.” All while getting a vaginal ultrasound.

And that was the last couple of days.

As many of you know I have a long, sordid history with jobs. Not working, per se. I am a workaholic. I have excelled at all my jobs because I have an insatiable need to succeed. I WILL NOT FAIL. But there has been a problem. A big, huge, looming elephant in the room. I have hated all my jobs since college except one. That’s not entirely true. I liked working for myself and my family. But do to the economy and my mother’s retiirement that went by the wayside.

Let’s take a walk down memory lane. I worked for Banana Republice every year I was in college. I held many different positions within the company. Exceeded all goals. After college, I was a regional visual merchandise manager for another retail company. I travelled thru the Southeast and when called upon the country, training store managers and staff how to best merchandise their stores to boost sales and also how to sell the merchandise. Ended up leaving that job because they doubled my territory with no pay increase and my boyfriend, now ex-husband, threatened to leave me if I did not stop travelling. (Should have known then.)

I then decided I wanted to work in real estate. Got a job in a design center of a large SE home builder helping people design the interiors of the beige boxes they were purchasing with more beige upgrades. I could sell the hell out of some upgraded beige carpet and tile. Anyway, it was just a stop.

Next, my Dad finally decided I could come work for his construction company. He started it from nothing and it had been around for almost 30 years. Anyway, he was bored and started to let it go by the wayside. Suddenly though he was sick and dying. The burden was now on me and my mom to keep it going. Needless to say we did. Under my watch we actually had the biggest sales year ever. This coming after his death. But then the economy tanked, there was no work and my mom was just sick of it. I ran myself ragged and knew it was coming. To be quite honest, I was over it. It played a hand in my divorce too. My divorce was inevitable, this just edged it along.

Anyway, now I had to find another job. I decided I wanted to move from Atlanta and started looking. Unfortunately, people did not quite understand what I had accomplised and I am only giving an overview here. I got a pharmaceutical sales job, but due to cut backs it never became mine. Pharmaceutical/medical device sales is the one job that has always eluded me. I actually have set out to get every job I have ever gotten. For better or worse. I ended up with a territory sales rep job with a nation wide casket manufacturer. Shockingly, made that my bitch too. But after 65K miles in 10 months and the funeral industry tanking too I had, had enough.

Back to Atlanta I came. I decided I was going to get a job selling financial services or selling IT products. No experience in either. My thought process was that they are industries that are never going away and still relatively flourishing. I ended up with an IT sales job selling new and refurbished hardware. Mostly B to B. They said it was an established territory but that is not true. My one requirement was that I did not want to open another territory or repair other peoples mistakes like I have had to do in EVERY job I have EVER had. Also, not true. Ugh, just so not the right fit. Not what I was expecting or wanting at all. And trust, I did my due diligence. I asked every question under the sun. The answers and reality are two different things.

So here we are, back again in the land of miserable and barely able to rise in the morning. Please believe me, I do not have a Cinderella complex or that the grass is greener on the other side. These mistakes are on me. I was looking for the wrong thing. People kept saying why don’t you go back to retail. I don’t want to work in the mall. I don’t want that life. But what I do want is to continue to be an outside rep. And I would like to travel again. The nameless airports and hotels is the life for me. But I just could not put my finger on what I was looking for or rather not looking at/for until today.

I was trolling around LinkedIn and up pops this job. Its the perfect job for me. Its an outside rep position for a large skin care company. The products are sold by plastic surgeons. Yes, if I could push drugs for Astra Zeneca I would. But I would also love to rep skin care or clothes in the Mart or basically anything where I have to sell “the dream”. Believe me, I can get you alone in a dressing room, a restaurant, or at an event you will want what I am selling. Or even what I am experiencing/loving right then.

Here it is in layman’s terms. I hate computers, construction, finance, etc. Its not for me. I LOVE superficial stuff. I regret every day of my life I turned down the corporate Neiman Marcus job. I just want to sell something I love and can get behind. Imagine how successful I would be if I actually liked what I was doing? Not loathed every second of it and out of shear willpower continued to succeed.

I’ve been pretending to be something I’m not. Feeling that I needed a job that was more technical, what I think of as more respected. Something that mattered. But to be perfectly honest, if all I had were my clothes and skin care I would be fine. As long I got to go out there and make someone feel good about what they were buying. That I sold something to a store owner that I knew was going to make other people feel good about themselves I know I would be happy.

I could go on and on. And I might not even being making total sense right now since I was out to Mexican with my sister. But I am right. And no I don’t want to cure cancer or find world peace. But I know I can affect someone’s bottom line thru selling stuff that makes people feel good even if it for a shortwhile.

And now I just have to go find said magical, mystery job. Scary. But I’m right about this. And one way or another I will find it. Just like I always do. I know I can do anything and be successful. I have left out so many details of the story and my actual “sales accomplishments”, but I’m sure you get the picture.

I obsess about food, eating and how I look. I’ve been a lot heavier than I currently am. That was also quite a few years a go. I want to be thinner than I am. I want to be “smoother” not have some annoying pudge. Now before you start riffing and saying that I thin, healthy, normal, or maybe for some pudgy, hear me out. I am fully aware that I am in the healthy bracket of Weight Watchers. Completely understand that I am tall and am going to weight more than other people.

But I am not happy. My weight and fitness level seems to be something that I just cannot conquer. As I type this I am getting stressed out to the point of tears. I started Weight Watchers a couple of weeks a go and promptly lost the weight I had gained that week from eating out several nights in a row. Turns out my metabolism just does not effing work. I have had TWO cheat meals and promptly gained 5 lbs back. True, this included booze. But COME ON!!!! FIVE POUNDS!!!!! I can not seem to get below a certain rung on the weight ladder and it is driving me crazy.

So I am going to tell you my height, weight and where I want to be. What I think, hopefully, would make me happy.

And most of you have seen me on twitter doing OOTD’s. I wear a size 6 in DVF wrap dresses.

Height: 5′9
Weight: 160 lbs

I am mortified I weigh that amount. It doesn’t matter that is NORMAL. I don’t want to be normal. I want to be THIN.

And YES, I read to many magazines. And YES, I wish I looked like a brunette Gwyneth Paltrow. And YES, I realize that there are greater problems in the world. I DON’T CARE!!! I WANT TO WEIGH 140-145 and be physically fit. Not nasty skinny fat.

I have joined exhale spa here in Atlanta and those classes are helping me tone up. Would prefer to still be in Bikram but the school’s class schedule does not work with my ridiculous work schedule.

And trust me, I am not sitting around eating cookies in my car. I am eating fresh, healthy food. Not boxed mac n’ cheese.

Another frustrating thing is I feel bloated but have had no appetite for the last week and a half. Weird.

There, I have essentially bared my soul.

I have been thinking about trying to blog again. I only read a few blogs anymore. And the ones I do read I click thru on another blog’s blogroll. Lame, I know. Don’t even check my reader. My question is always “what am I going to say?” Should I be a food blogger, a fashion blogger, diary-esque, events focused, book reviews, the list goes on and on. What do I want to be when I grow up is the rhetorical question?

I hide behind twitter too. Not that is that private, but I feel like I can be relatively honest in 140 characters. I feel like if I start blogging then it will be a laundry list of complaints. But that’s not really true either. Because I don’t always complain. And I am working really hard to not be bitter about the past or even think about it. My original blog started as a preppy-ish, girl about town, restaurant reviews etc. There is another local blog that has pretty much taken over that space so I am not even going to try.

So I think I am just going to jump in to this again. I am just going to write what I want about whatever I want. If it is my life, feelings, diet, botox, hatred of the sun, clothes, whatever.

Bleh, I am already having doubts. Must press on.