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Archive for the ‘random stories’ Category

Father’s Day – It’s All Good

So tomorrow is Father’s Day. I’m not depressed. I’m not sad. In fact, I think a little after five years after my father’s death I think he would be pleased the way things are going. My sister is getting married this coming Friday to a wonderful guy that we all love and is a wonderful addition to the family. I even think, no know, Daddy would have really liked him. My sister and I have a really good relationship with my step-father. Even my mom’s parents love him and I think that says a lot since my grandfather was probably considered as close to a best friend as my Dad ever had. He is a good companion for my mother and makes her happy and that is all that matters. We have a good family dynamic in my opinion. And I’m not sure I could have said that a year or two ago.

I think its interesting how things change. How you think the pain will never subside. How you think that things will never be happy or smooth ever again. And then they are. I guess its true, this to shall pass. I’m no longer reduced to almost hysterics when I discuss my father. Instead, its more like wonderful, happy, or funny memories. Don’t get me wrong, if I’ve been drinking there will probably be tears which is a bit embarrassing considering my age. But I don’t feel like my world or my family is on the brink of ending any time soon like I used to.

I won’t get into much of my own stuff right now. However, I feel like in the last six months I have finally found peace with many things, like the fact I will probably never have children. Lent and the process I went through then was very profound for me. I finally found some, even a lot, of happiness that I never had before. I’ve said before I would probably already be dead if weren’t for God. This past Lent and in the time after I finally found some happiness and a sense of calm I never experienced in the past. To be honest, I’ve never been very satisfied or happy with anything. I know my Dad never knew it either. I KNOW he would be happy that I found a bit of peace with God’s help.

I will always miss my Dad. Shit, I’ve shed a tear or two typing this. But going forward we’re good. If I had a beer I would pour one out for you.

Love you forever Daddy.

xoxo, L

Stories – The day I got a GED

I’ve had a lot of odd things happen in my life. Events that sometimes I’m like really, that happened? Curve balls that were just not part of the plan. I think the first major one happened the summer after my junior year of high school. I had been in a dance camp, Presidential Classroom, and my all-girl’s school had sent me to Girl’s State and I was preparing for senior year. It was going to be full of AP’s, Youth in Government, dance, and applying for college. That summer had been a bit stressful though. My dad who was still in his 40s had suffered a minor heart attack and somehow by miracle driven himself to St. Thomas Hospital since it happened while he was driving on West End Ave. I think that was the catalyst to what happened next.

After he had relatively recovered he decided we were moving to Atlanta. This wasn’t the smartest move but Daddy was having a bit of a midlife crisis and he could move his company wherever he wanted so he felt it didn’t matter. I don’t know why but I was for this change. I probably should have begged to stay but I was ready to go. My parents had kept my sister and I very sheltered our whole lives so I was ready to get out of Nashville. I knew I didn’t want to go to University of Tennessee or Belmont and knew my parents weren’t going to pay for Vanderbilt. They had put me through 11 years of private school. Private college was not an option. And to be honest, at the time, I hated Nashville. I wanted to go to Atlanta, NYC or DC.

Ok, so what was going to happen with me and school? I discussed it with my mom and we weren’t going to be moved until November of 1996. This would have been during my senior year in a new town. And we had called around and none of the private schools in Atlanta would even talk to us since it was so late in the application process. Atlanta is very different from Nashville. In Nashville everyone goes to private school. I realized recently that my entire time growing up I never actually knew anyone who went to public school. It was decided that I was going to get my GED and start college in January. Mind boggling. I just went with it.

My mom took me down to the center where you sign up to take your GED and we filled out the paper work. I remember the lady asking me if I wanted to take the prep classes. I said in the childish monotone I would sometimes use “no, I went to school X. I don’t think I need that.” She stacked all the papers, looked up and said “Well good luck. But I guess you don’t need it.”

The day came to take the test. I didn’t know what to expect but I was kind of nervous. I got up really early and drove myself to the testing center. It was on the opposite side of town and I had never driven in that area by myself. Actually, I had probably never been on that side of town. Looking back this whole situation is so weird. I remember pulling up in my car which was my dad’s old Range Rover at the time. I was in a sweater skirt and tights. There were people outside smoking. They looked like they were straight out of The Outsiders. At least to me that’s what they looked like. They were probably just regular people but to a sheltered kid from a world of uniforms, LL Bean and where kids get hand me down cars of Range Rovers, Porsches, and BMWs all I could think was GANG!!!! OMG!!!! WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME!!!!

The test was all day long and it was taken in blocks according to topics. I had not brought a book or a magazine and this is before smart phones let alone cell phones. My friends had beepers. As I took each test which I finished each section in 20 minutes or less. This means I got to sit quietly in a room all day long watching other people take a GED test. There were a couple of breaks where I did not talk to anyone. I just listened to their conversations which included topics of house arrest and showing each other their house arrest bracelets on their ankles. My eyes were about to pop out of my head. I knew that before the day was out I was going to die of boredom or Ponyboy and Sodapop to kill me.

The test finally ended. I could have taken the whole thing in an hour. I guess my parents when parents thought they were investing in my education they didn’t quite think “I hope my daughter just kills it on the GED exam.” But that was that. I passed the exam (obviously), moved to Atlanta and started college in January. I don’t think of this event much anymore. I usually just tell people I graduated from school X and am done with it. Having a GED doesn’t bother me. I had extenuating circumstances and I’m in graduate school for and MBA now. It’s not a knock on my intelligence. It just happened. My ex-boyfriend used to like to tell people I didn’t graduate HS (he did it in a mean way) and I would feel this need to explain the story. The whole story. And the whole story doesn’t matter. It’s just a blip in a long history of strange, slightly odd events that make up my life. And its my life and I don’t have to make apologies for it or explain it. It’s a road less travelled and I’m proud of it nonetheless.

Organic nachos and other realizations

It’s been a week from hell. Actually a week and two days. I had to write three papers as part of my finals in grad school, I have an exam tomorrow I’ve barely studied for and the world’s longest, break-up is finally over. I had a little bit of a light bulb moment yesterday which was totally annoying but glad I figured it out. I will spare you the details but due to all of that and a few other miscellaneous family issues I’ve been just a bit upset. To be perfectly honest, I can’t stop crying. Mercury retrograde is kicking my a$$.

Anywhoo, today was another rough day. After my bi-weekly chiropractor appointment I decided I wanted to go to Whole Foods and get something to eat. Maybe a slice of pizza or a gelato. I wanted something, anything to make me feel better. (Today was the day I officially lost 20lbs but lets ignore that little tidbit. I only ate shrimp cocktail at Thanksgiving, sometimes you just need some carbs.) I decided to look around since I usually just pick up the few things I like to eat anymore and are healthy at Publix. I wanted to browse the selection especially since Whole Foods steps it up a notch during the holidays.

I started looking at the fruit and spied the guacamole. I love Whole Foods guacamole. And there was their fresh salsa right beside it. I decided that my cheat meal was going to be homemade nachos. I hadn’t had them in forever and used to love eating them when I went out a lot. Years ago I probably ate them once a week at Taco Mac with my ex-husband on free pint night. (That’s when I started gaining the weight.) Tonight there was no beer because I have to study and I rarely drink anymore. Ok, so in my basket went the small containers of guacamole and salsa. All fresh and I guess relatively homemade.

I walked down the aisles looking around but didn’t get anything. Off to the dairy case. Low-fat, organic sour cream it is. The bag of the “natural” corn tortilla chips. Making my way around the store I stopped and tried some kind of red onion cheddar Whole Foods wanted me to buy. No thank you. Just a block of Whole Foods brand cheddar cheese, still organic. Over to the salad bar I went to get a spoonful of jalapenos that I had to put in a giant (yet recycled) salad bar container. There was space left. Obviously, I just needed to taste the fried tofu and the macaroni and cheese. Both of which I’ve had many times before. And just for good measure I picked up two Arden’s Garden Supergreen juices for tomorrow. That’s my “food hangover” remedy.

I go to pay and the cashier tells me its $31.27. Now this is not unexpected. I am in Whole Foods. But to remind myself of happier times was it worth it. To pay $31.27 for organic nachos and a memory that really wasn’t that happy. I already lost all that weight and him and that life. It’s done. It’s in the past. Why do I keep trying to go back to something I don’t even want?

I’ve moved forward. Nothing about me is the same. Not even the way I talk. I barely even curse anymore and I used to have the mouth of the dirtiest sailor who just kissed a whore. Yeah, that bad. But what is it about me that can’t seem to get out of limbo? Why I am I on the slow and winding road instead of the definitive path? Why is this another year from hell no matter how much I pray or ask for guidance?

And before you get all judge-y, if you knew me in real life you would know how generally I put on the happy face. It takes a lot of effort to do that everyday though. Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside, yada yada yada. And this all pretty basic stuff but when you are going through change after change after change it takes its toll. I just need to freeze my face with botox so the stress doesn’t start to show.

Those nachos didn’t bring back a lost love or a happy memory. They just reminded me of who I no longer am and how I wished I had just drunk the green juice. They reminded me AGAIN that you can never go back. And it is a good thing and I need to make right choices for the future. Just buy the overpriced juice from now on since, you know, skinny tastes better. ;)

The characters in my life.

I have all this stuff going on again. And I am not sleeping. Tis life it seems.

Anyway, I have a friend who is I met through my boyfriend. My friend is another, older lawyer who I refer to as my hippie lawyer, due to his long gray ponytail and love of all things Liberal. I LOVE my friend. He makes me roll with laughter and he takes care of all my moving violations.

Several weeks ago I had to go sit for the final time with him at court for my last speeding ticket. As we were sitting in the hallway waiting he tells me jokes in between answering phone calls for his regular job which is criminal defense work. The way he says, “I’m sorry, but your son is not getting out of jail any time soon. Why? They found him with a 5 lbs of marijuana in his car. Yes, this is serious.” Can be rather funny to listen to. If you have a warped sense of humor and I do.

Ok, back to the jokes.

Here is the first one.

A man was driving down the road and rear-ended a car. The accident was definitely the man’s fault and he immediately became worried due to having little insurance and a crappy car. As the man sat in his car worrying, he waited for the other driver to get out of his car to inspect the damage. The other driver finally got out of his car. Turns out the driver was raging mad and he as also a midget.

The at fault driver slowly got out of his car. The midget was jumping up and down on the side of the road yelling “I’m not happy, I’m not happy.”

The at fault driver then said, “Well, which one are you?”

Needless to say I think that joke is funny if you like midget humor.

My hippie lawyer has told me many other jokes but this next one is my all time favorite. I told it to my chiropractor and he is obsessed with it to.

A son comes to his father and asks, “Daddy, please explain to me the difference between hypothetically and realistically.” The father says, “Sure. Go as you 3 sisters and your mother if they would sleep with a total stranger for a million dollars.”

Off the boy runs. Finally, he comes back to his dad. “Daddy, daddy! I have the answers. My sisters and Mom all said they would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars.”

The father looks down at his son and says, “Ok, hypothetically we are sitting on a lot of money. Realistically, we are living with a bunch of whores.”

Cue hysterical laughter on my part.

TMI and Random Shit

I will save my latest life quandries for later and just talk about random shit.

1) My best friend had her baby yesterday. Very exciting. As long as I have known C, I have known her since 4th grade, she could not wait to have babies and now she has one.

2) I was at a lunch, mixer thing yesterday for work. After the speakers were done a man sitting at my table wanted to know about the watch I wear. I wear a vintage, Rolex submariner that was my dead father’s. Anyway, I tell the story to the table (its actually a long story because it includes rescuing said watch from ex-husband) and everyone has the appropriate responses except the man who asked in the first place. He says, “I always thought people who wore watches with large faces were trying to overcompensate for something.” Like its a car or something. He continues on this train of thought why my death stare is boring into him. I am shocked he did not burst into flames because that is what I was shooting at him. He finally looks at me and says, “so what are you trying to over compensating for?” Did he not just listen to my story? Was he staring at my boobs? I said, “It’s a MEMORY.” And turned around in my chair to look at twitterfeed so I did not leap across the table and punch him in the face.

3) I received a black, Goyard St. Louis as gift. I love it. It’s my pet. I’m obsessed.

4) I am also obsessed with Martyn from Million Dollar Decorators. Like, way obsessed. I just want him to call me and say “Lessssslaaayyyy, you are fahhhhntassstic. Let’s go get cocktails and botox together and have a fahhhbulous time.” Call me, Martyn. I’ll be straight girlfriend anyday.

5) Finally, today I had to go in for an ultra sound to try and figure out why I have constant pain. This pain ranges in dull to stabbing, bend over gasping for air pain. It’s just swell. I get to Northside Hospital where they tell me that to drink more water. This former club kid can hold A LOT of liquid in her bladder. It took forever to get my bladder all the way full. On the third try of having goo slathered on my stomach the tech could finally see what they needed to see. SIDE NOTE: I have a tilted uterus. And all I could think is “I really am like Charlotte.” Except with a foul mouth. Anyway, I am chatting away with the tech thru all this and she says its time for the OTHER KIND OF ULTRA SOUND. The kind where no one gets a happy ending but the ultrasound machine. I continue to chat thru this and the tech is laughing and says, “You are a mess.” And of course my respond “At least I am a hot mess.” All while getting a vaginal ultrasound.

And that was the last couple of days.