This is just kind of a brain dump to get some things out.

Last night I wanted a cigarette so bad I almost stopped and bought a pack. But I didn’t it. It was frustrating. Even this morning I still want one. The reason I didn’t stop isn’t because I care about dying or wrinkle or yellow teeth. I didn’t stop because I didn’t want to have a shitty run today. Huffing and puffing along like to not so big bad wolf. Gross.

Had dinner last night with my sister and her boyfriend who I hadn’t met before. I actually really like him and had a lot of fun with them together. This is shocking to me since the relationship with my my sister can be very strained depending on the day.

My sister hadn’t seen me since Thanksgiving day and commented on how good I look. Thanks. It’s kind of weird to know you’ve lost weight, know you feel and look better but somehow still feel like a fat kid. And I KNOW I WASN’T FAT. I just read to many magazines. Anna Wintour’s beauty aesthetic is in my head for life. Maybe I’m still getting used to the lifestyle change I have chosen for myself. I would like to lose 5 more pounds but not really sure that is possible,

I get daily quotes emailed to me from Runner’s World. Here is today’s.

I spent four weeks in total numbness. Six months later, I started running. I could only do ten minutes at a time, but I kept going because I knew that running would get me my life back.

Ryon Lane, runner who shattered his C4 vertebra in a 2008 diving accident

That’s kind of how I feel about everything and part of the conversation I had with my sister last night. I’ve redone my whole life and I’m not done yet. Back in November my mom said some things to me that I really didn’t appreciate and the statements came from her not wanting to be my “therapist” anymore. Well, she’s my mom and I don’t have anyone else. It was hurtful nonetheless to be told “seek help” when in the next breath “you’ve done well” came from out. My response was “I did this all on my own. You didn’t have to pay for rehab or therapy. So fuck off.”

My sister didn’t like that I told my mom to fuck off. But I did. I get so frustrated sometimes that it slips out. Cursing is not something I want to continue. It comes out when I’m doing what my mom considers dumping on her. I do feel somewhat bad about it. But probably not as much as I should.

I’ve been thinking about my divorce and my actions lately. Bleh. It bothers me the way I acted and how stressed out I let myself get before all that happened. It bothers me that I failed.

Drinking. I still drink here and there but not a lot. Every once in awhile I get tanked which I probably shouldn’t since drinking is a slippery slope for someone with a former problem. Also, something discussed last night. I’ve noticed recently how much people I know in real life drink and even how much people drink I “know” via twitter and blogging. Drinking creeps up on you and one minute it’s just a glass of wine then two then the bottle. Everyone always thinks oh that would never happen to me and one day it is you. And since its legal it has this understood acceptability. I find it annoying to see young parents now turning to the bottle and then girls in their 20s thinking its cool to be wino. It’s not. Trust. That’s my two cents.

Anyway, I’ve had a few positive things happen on the job front and maybe something fun on the personal side.

And I lied. Here is a pretty picture.

Jane Birkin. Love her style. Quintessential French.