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Archive for February, 2012

Lent, Gratitude

I already tweeted about this last week but today starts Lent and I haven’t posted in about two weeks. I’m adding something to my life this year rather than giving something up. I decided to specifically show gratitude or do something thoughtful for at least one person a day for the 40 days of Lent.

I have struggled with being grateful and happy which I’m sure you know. I struggle with this journey that I’m on and realizing that my time table is not other people’s time table or even Christ’s time table for me. I struggle with not reliving the past to much and playing the game of Why Me? I struggle with not comparing myself or being to hard on myself in general. I have to work really hard to keep Christ in my mind on a daily basis and not forget that I’m not alone. I NEVER WANT TO BE BITTER. Bitter makes you ugly inside and out and no one wants that to happen. I want to really move forward from the past with this process and not talk about it anymore except anecdotally and with fondness. Nothing more or less.

I’m trying to focus on the good, the positive and how Christ has saved me. He saved me by dying for me on the cross. He saved me three years a go when this journey started. He has given me strength to keep going and make the hard decisions. Things keep slowly but surely working out and I know its not necessarily because of me.

The Lent season has significance for me because I watched my Dad finally die during it and Ash Wednesday is my drug free anniversary. Lots of changes in this time seem to occur. Not sure why its like that or if it happens for others in that same way. On the positive I’ve now been drug free for three years and my alcoholic ways are behind me. I think this will be the last time I mention any of that on this blog as well. It took a lot to get here but I’m here.

I decided two nights a go I was going to get up yesterday and run 10 miles. My training for a half marathon is sporadic at best. But I ran those 10.5 miles very easily. I could have finished the rest of the half marathon if I wanted too. First, time I’ve run that distance in my life. I feel like running is changing me and for the better. Like I can see an even bigger picture than I could see before. Running is something I used to refuse to do years a go. I can’t was always the response. Now its I can and I’m actually fast when I want to be. I’m 33 and suddenly I’m an athlete of sorts.

I’m beyond grateful for this. I’m so grateful that I can run after last summer’s events and physical problems. I’m so grateful that its becoming easier. I’m grateful that my best thinking and planning comes when I’m running. I’m grateful that I’m achieving something that is personal and means something and that no one ever thought I would. I’m grateful that I can run 8:30 minute miles if I want too. That I can sprint at under an 8 minute mile pace. I’m grateful for what running has done for my mind.

I’m not some amazing runner nor do I want to enter races and place or whatever. I just want to be left alone on a treadmill with my headphones and my electronica music. Its the one time I want to be alone.

Running is something I’m personally grateful for. My first act of gratitude I actually did yesterday. My friend had asked me to make my macaroni and cheese for her family. I bought the ingredients and made it. Of course, there is enough for an army but who cares it fresh macaroni and cheese!

I’m not going to do 40 posts about gratitude. That would be weird. Just letting you know a little bit more about me and what I’m trying to work on during this significant time of year. AND how I’m really going to try to not speak about the past anymore. It’s done.

No pretty pictures from Pinterest here

This is just kind of a brain dump to get some things out.

Last night I wanted a cigarette so bad I almost stopped and bought a pack. But I didn’t it. It was frustrating. Even this morning I still want one. The reason I didn’t stop isn’t because I care about dying or wrinkle or yellow teeth. I didn’t stop because I didn’t want to have a shitty run today. Huffing and puffing along like to not so big bad wolf. Gross.

Had dinner last night with my sister and her boyfriend who I hadn’t met before. I actually really like him and had a lot of fun with them together. This is shocking to me since the relationship with my my sister can be very strained depending on the day.

My sister hadn’t seen me since Thanksgiving day and commented on how good I look. Thanks. It’s kind of weird to know you’ve lost weight, know you feel and look better but somehow still feel like a fat kid. And I KNOW I WASN’T FAT. I just read to many magazines. Anna Wintour’s beauty aesthetic is in my head for life. Maybe I’m still getting used to the lifestyle change I have chosen for myself. I would like to lose 5 more pounds but not really sure that is possible,

I get daily quotes emailed to me from Runner’s World. Here is today’s.

I spent four weeks in total numbness. Six months later, I started running. I could only do ten minutes at a time, but I kept going because I knew that running would get me my life back.

Ryon Lane, runner who shattered his C4 vertebra in a 2008 diving accident

That’s kind of how I feel about everything and part of the conversation I had with my sister last night. I’ve redone my whole life and I’m not done yet. Back in November my mom said some things to me that I really didn’t appreciate and the statements came from her not wanting to be my “therapist” anymore. Well, she’s my mom and I don’t have anyone else. It was hurtful nonetheless to be told “seek help” when in the next breath “you’ve done well” came from out. My response was “I did this all on my own. You didn’t have to pay for rehab or therapy. So fuck off.”

My sister didn’t like that I told my mom to fuck off. But I did. I get so frustrated sometimes that it slips out. Cursing is not something I want to continue. It comes out when I’m doing what my mom considers dumping on her. I do feel somewhat bad about it. But probably not as much as I should.

I’ve been thinking about my divorce and my actions lately. Bleh. It bothers me the way I acted and how stressed out I let myself get before all that happened. It bothers me that I failed.

Drinking. I still drink here and there but not a lot. Every once in awhile I get tanked which I probably shouldn’t since drinking is a slippery slope for someone with a former problem. Also, something discussed last night. I’ve noticed recently how much people I know in real life drink and even how much people drink I “know” via twitter and blogging. Drinking creeps up on you and one minute it’s just a glass of wine then two then the bottle. Everyone always thinks oh that would never happen to me and one day it is you. And since its legal it has this understood acceptability. I find it annoying to see young parents now turning to the bottle and then girls in their 20s thinking its cool to be wino. It’s not. Trust. That’s my two cents.

Anyway, I’ve had a few positive things happen on the job front and maybe something fun on the personal side.

And I lied. Here is a pretty picture.

Jane Birkin. Love her style. Quintessential French.

Blogger Link Up – Monday Questions

I’m doing the link up with Shasta and Megan again. Hey, at least I get a post in and its not about school, counting calories or my job search. All of which I’m consumed with to the point of exhaustion.

So here we go.

1. favorite place you’ve traveled

I’ve travelled quite a bit, but no where amazing like Thailand. I really loved San Francisco in a “I would never want to live here” kind of way. Liked Toronto. New York is great. I used to go to Palm Beach and Naples a lot and that was fun. I think my favorite place on earth is Savannah. I would live in Savannah if I could. It’s just one of those places I that if I had to stay forever it would be totally ok.

2. where would you want to go if you could have a paid ticket and hotel

Paris. Period. The end.

3. if you have a trip planned, where are you going?

Asheville x 2, Nashville and probably Destin soon. And maybe back to Alabama.

All South all the time.

4.Were you an honor roll student in school?

Sometimes, sometimes not. It depended how bored I was that semester. I was one of those kids that got called into the principal’s office wanting to know why I had 3 A’s, a C and an F. My response was generally I hate the class and the teacher. And I swear I will do better which was just me skating by on a C.

5. what was your major in college

I double majored in marketing and management.

6. Ever go to camp?

Tennis camp. Day camp. No outdoor camp with crafts and lakes and animals. All things I hated as a child and continue to have no interest in to this day. Like I say about running, I prefer a treadmill because of climate control and no sun. MUST PROTECT MY SKIN FROM THE EVIL SUN.

7. favorite tv show of all time

The Wire. Best show ever made. But for girly type shows I like Buffy the Vampire Slayer back in the day.

8. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for?

I only got grounded once and it was for something I didn’t do. My dad sometimes road in on a broom and would fly off the handle about something stupid. I was grounded for a month. It was so dumb. I was perfect in high school because my parents kept a tight leash on me. It was college when everything went down hill.

9. What was your childhood nickname?

Didn’t have one from my parents. But to tell you how kids can be mean a group of boys starting calling me Lesby in third grade and I had no idea what it meant. They called me that till I switched schools. To this day it stings a bit.

10. what would your dream job be?

I’m trying to switch to my dream job now. It’s the thing I wanted to do in undergrad and has never gone away. I want to be a consultant. Either in tech for healthcare or retail. I like brand consulting as well. It’s never just one thing with me. I want to work for Accenture, Deloitte, McKinsey, etc. You get the idea.

The only other thing that would be I could die now would be to work styling or PR for a major fashion house a la @OscarPRGirl. I would die. But I prefer the puzzles of consulting.