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Archive for November, 2011

Organic nachos and other realizations

It’s been a week from hell. Actually a week and two days. I had to write three papers as part of my finals in grad school, I have an exam tomorrow I’ve barely studied for and the world’s longest, break-up is finally over. I had a little bit of a light bulb moment yesterday which was totally annoying but glad I figured it out. I will spare you the details but due to all of that and a few other miscellaneous family issues I’ve been just a bit upset. To be perfectly honest, I can’t stop crying. Mercury retrograde is kicking my a$$.

Anywhoo, today was another rough day. After my bi-weekly chiropractor appointment I decided I wanted to go to Whole Foods and get something to eat. Maybe a slice of pizza or a gelato. I wanted something, anything to make me feel better. (Today was the day I officially lost 20lbs but lets ignore that little tidbit. I only ate shrimp cocktail at Thanksgiving, sometimes you just need some carbs.) I decided to look around since I usually just pick up the few things I like to eat anymore and are healthy at Publix. I wanted to browse the selection especially since Whole Foods steps it up a notch during the holidays.

I started looking at the fruit and spied the guacamole. I love Whole Foods guacamole. And there was their fresh salsa right beside it. I decided that my cheat meal was going to be homemade nachos. I hadn’t had them in forever and used to love eating them when I went out a lot. Years ago I probably ate them once a week at Taco Mac with my ex-husband on free pint night. (That’s when I started gaining the weight.) Tonight there was no beer because I have to study and I rarely drink anymore. Ok, so in my basket went the small containers of guacamole and salsa. All fresh and I guess relatively homemade.

I walked down the aisles looking around but didn’t get anything. Off to the dairy case. Low-fat, organic sour cream it is. The bag of the “natural” corn tortilla chips. Making my way around the store I stopped and tried some kind of red onion cheddar Whole Foods wanted me to buy. No thank you. Just a block of Whole Foods brand cheddar cheese, still organic. Over to the salad bar I went to get a spoonful of jalapenos that I had to put in a giant (yet recycled) salad bar container. There was space left. Obviously, I just needed to taste the fried tofu and the macaroni and cheese. Both of which I’ve had many times before. And just for good measure I picked up two Arden’s Garden Supergreen juices for tomorrow. That’s my “food hangover” remedy.

I go to pay and the cashier tells me its $31.27. Now this is not unexpected. I am in Whole Foods. But to remind myself of happier times was it worth it. To pay $31.27 for organic nachos and a memory that really wasn’t that happy. I already lost all that weight and him and that life. It’s done. It’s in the past. Why do I keep trying to go back to something I don’t even want?

I’ve moved forward. Nothing about me is the same. Not even the way I talk. I barely even curse anymore and I used to have the mouth of the dirtiest sailor who just kissed a whore. Yeah, that bad. But what is it about me that can’t seem to get out of limbo? Why I am I on the slow and winding road instead of the definitive path? Why is this another year from hell no matter how much I pray or ask for guidance?

And before you get all judge-y, if you knew me in real life you would know how generally I put on the happy face. It takes a lot of effort to do that everyday though. Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside, yada yada yada. And this all pretty basic stuff but when you are going through change after change after change it takes its toll. I just need to freeze my face with botox so the stress doesn’t start to show.

Those nachos didn’t bring back a lost love or a happy memory. They just reminded me of who I no longer am and how I wished I had just drunk the green juice. They reminded me AGAIN that you can never go back. And it is a good thing and I need to make right choices for the future. Just buy the overpriced juice from now on since, you know, skinny tastes better. ;)

Using Your Super Powers

Like I said, I’ve started running again. This is very exciting to me. Its going so much better this time around. Now that I have the inserts for my shoes and know what kind of stretching I have to do every single day I feel like I’m unstoppable. The strict diet helps as well. I ran when I was a kid and I just wanted that feeling back. I want to hit my goal of running 8 minute miles. I want to complete my running goals of running a marathon. Yesterday, I ran the fastest I ever had in memory. It was in the 9 minute range, but it made me feel like “OMG, I can do this. This is one more thing that one way or another I am making happen.” Finding a way, no matter what is something that I feel I am good at. Sometimes it just gets hard though. Sometimes things seem insurmountable.

This is the cover of a card my best friend sent me in 2002 after something really awful happened to me.

Here is what she wrote in the inside.

I’ve kept this card in my nightstand all these years. The event that happened in 2002 I thought I would never recover from. For the most part I went through it alone. My parents were living in San Francisco, my boyfriend (now ex-husband) did not really know what to do. I just dealt with it.

As time has passed, wounds heal. What you or I have to push through is the mental pain and not letting past keep you from the future and the goals you set for yourself. I guess, that is having hope and just flat out finding a way.

It’s so hard for me to write what I feel and think and just sound like a complaining cliche. Because I’m not. But I do know that its just me, God and the road less travelled at this point.

I never thought I would run again six months ago. Yesterday, I ran my best time ever. So I’m thinking the rest is just around the corner.

Slow Motion.

I have a lot going on and then I have nothing going on. I’m in a hold pattern of sorts. It’s kind of like getting one of those people movers at the airport. But then not walking. Just standing there and being slowly carried forward. Patience is not my strong suit so this is hard. Then not feeling like a massive failure is hard as well. I’m not a quitter and this year has been rough. AGAIN. But I have faith in the Lord and myself. I’ve made it this far so I will make it to the end.

Here is a couple of things that are in motion but slowly progressing.

I’ve lost 17 lbs. I wasn’t fat, but I wasn’t where I wanted to be. I’m now heading into the low part of my weight bracket for Weight Watchers. I was in the high part. I feel a lot better. I look better. I’m finally overcoming my food issues, addictions, and living the healthy lifestyle that I have wanted to for a very long time. My lifestyle is rather strict now. But decaf, non-fat, no whip mocha’s still make their appearances. I’m doing a lot better about not eating dairy. I don’t have an allergy but it makes me feel rather bad and messes with my insides something wicked so its best to just let it go. And the less I eat it, the less I crave it so that tells me something. I ate one bowl of my macaroni and cheese I posted earlier. The rest went to family. Anyway, I have 9 lbs to go. Slowly, but surely.

I almost never drink anymore. This is huge. Booze was such a big part of my life for so many years. Now I never even crave it. It just gives me a headache. So, peace out to booze too.

My creaky bones are getting so much better. This is huge. I ordered these custom shoe inserts thru my chiropractor after we discussed trying to get me where I wasn’t in his office every single week. The inserts make it possible for me to run again. I haven’t been able to run in over 2 years. The inserts help with my completely fallen arches. As you know everything in your body is connected. So with fallen arches, scoliosis, a hip problem I was born with it’s been rough and it is getting better.

I read a lot of running blogs and would just sit there feeling bad about myself and jealous. I truly believe the saying “running is better than therapy”. Being able to get that endorphin rush again really does it for me. It makes me happy and I feel like I have accomplished something and am getting healthier by the day. I have to do yoga and exercise from the chiro almost everyday. It keeps everything stretched and also works on strength. My hip is such a problem and the sun salutes help so much. This is a continuing process. And once again, slowly but surely. (Being a turtle is annoying.)

I’m finishing my first semester of B-school. I’m so ready for it to be over. Actually I’m ready for the whole thing to be over. I want my piece of paper. Many of my fellow students feel the same way. Just a means to an end.

I have to go back to work full time. I’m working on a couple of options. I interviewed with a company that I told, hell no. No idea why I even applied. But I’m in the process with two different options but I don’t want to jinx anything. And once again, slowly but surely…,

Gah, patience is a bitch. It’s my lifelong lesson to learn. But it will work out. I will achieve my goals.

I just feel so close and yet so, so far.

Macaroni & cheese and shaky iphone videos.

I filmed a pseudo-tutorial on how to make my version of macaroni and cheese. It’s split into 3, shaky, iphone videos because I had to do it myself. But I think you will get the general idea.

One thing I forgot to add is I showed my friend how to make this recipe. She does her own version but with a gouda mix. She says it is amazing, but I have never tried it. You can do whatever mix of cheese you like. I just use a
mix of cheddars.

The point of this recipe is to have a Southern-style, macaroni & cheese that has flavor and remains moist. Even in leftover form.

I feel I have accomplished those goals and according to everyone else for the last 15 years of my life I have done just that.

So here you go.

Let me know what you think.


MAC & Cheese 1


Mac & Cheese 2


Mac & Cheese 3

And I don’t know why this blog won’t let me just insert videos but I’m very irritated with it right now.