Archive for June, 2011

I will save my latest life quandries for later and just talk about random shit.

1) My best friend had her baby yesterday. Very exciting. As long as I have known C, I have known her since 4th grade, she could not wait to have babies and now she has one.

2) I was at a lunch, mixer thing yesterday for work. After the speakers were done a man sitting at my table wanted to know about the watch I wear. I wear a vintage, Rolex submariner that was my dead father’s. Anyway, I tell the story to the table (its actually a long story because it includes rescuing said watch from ex-husband) and everyone has the appropriate responses except the man who asked in the first place. He says, “I always thought people who wore watches with large faces were trying to overcompensate for something.” Like its a car or something. He continues on this train of thought why my death stare is boring into him. I am shocked he did not burst into flames because that is what I was shooting at him. He finally looks at me and says, “so what are you trying to over compensating for?” Did he not just listen to my story? Was he staring at my boobs? I said, “It’s a MEMORY.” And turned around in my chair to look at twitterfeed so I did not leap across the table and punch him in the face.

3) I received a black, Goyard St. Louis as gift. I love it. It’s my pet. I’m obsessed.

4) I am also obsessed with Martyn from Million Dollar Decorators. Like, way obsessed. I just want him to call me and say “Lessssslaaayyyy, you are fahhhhntassstic. Let’s go get cocktails and botox together and have a fahhhbulous time.” Call me, Martyn. I’ll be straight girlfriend anyday.

5) Finally, today I had to go in for an ultra sound to try and figure out why I have constant pain. This pain ranges in dull to stabbing, bend over gasping for air pain. It’s just swell. I get to Northside Hospital where they tell me that to drink more water. This former club kid can hold A LOT of liquid in her bladder. It took forever to get my bladder all the way full. On the third try of having goo slathered on my stomach the tech could finally see what they needed to see. SIDE NOTE: I have a tilted uterus. And all I could think is “I really am like Charlotte.” Except with a foul mouth. Anyway, I am chatting away with the tech thru all this and she says its time for the OTHER KIND OF ULTRA SOUND. The kind where no one gets a happy ending but the ultrasound machine. I continue to chat thru this and the tech is laughing and says, “You are a mess.” And of course my respond “At least I am a hot mess.” All while getting a vaginal ultrasound.

And that was the last couple of days.

As many of you know I have a long, sordid history with jobs. Not working, per se. I am a workaholic. I have excelled at all my jobs because I have an insatiable need to succeed. I WILL NOT FAIL. But there has been a problem. A big, huge, looming elephant in the room. I have hated all my jobs since college except one. That’s not entirely true. I liked working for myself and my family. But do to the economy and my mother’s retiirement that went by the wayside.

Let’s take a walk down memory lane. I worked for Banana Republice every year I was in college. I held many different positions within the company. Exceeded all goals. After college, I was a regional visual merchandise manager for another retail company. I travelled thru the Southeast and when called upon the country, training store managers and staff how to best merchandise their stores to boost sales and also how to sell the merchandise. Ended up leaving that job because they doubled my territory with no pay increase and my boyfriend, now ex-husband, threatened to leave me if I did not stop travelling. (Should have known then.)

I then decided I wanted to work in real estate. Got a job in a design center of a large SE home builder helping people design the interiors of the beige boxes they were purchasing with more beige upgrades. I could sell the hell out of some upgraded beige carpet and tile. Anyway, it was just a stop.

Next, my Dad finally decided I could come work for his construction company. He started it from nothing and it had been around for almost 30 years. Anyway, he was bored and started to let it go by the wayside. Suddenly though he was sick and dying. The burden was now on me and my mom to keep it going. Needless to say we did. Under my watch we actually had the biggest sales year ever. This coming after his death. But then the economy tanked, there was no work and my mom was just sick of it. I ran myself ragged and knew it was coming. To be quite honest, I was over it. It played a hand in my divorce too. My divorce was inevitable, this just edged it along.

Anyway, now I had to find another job. I decided I wanted to move from Atlanta and started looking. Unfortunately, people did not quite understand what I had accomplised and I am only giving an overview here. I got a pharmaceutical sales job, but due to cut backs it never became mine. Pharmaceutical/medical device sales is the one job that has always eluded me. I actually have set out to get every job I have ever gotten. For better or worse. I ended up with a territory sales rep job with a nation wide casket manufacturer. Shockingly, made that my bitch too. But after 65K miles in 10 months and the funeral industry tanking too I had, had enough.

Back to Atlanta I came. I decided I was going to get a job selling financial services or selling IT products. No experience in either. My thought process was that they are industries that are never going away and still relatively flourishing. I ended up with an IT sales job selling new and refurbished hardware. Mostly B to B. They said it was an established territory but that is not true. My one requirement was that I did not want to open another territory or repair other peoples mistakes like I have had to do in EVERY job I have EVER had. Also, not true. Ugh, just so not the right fit. Not what I was expecting or wanting at all. And trust, I did my due diligence. I asked every question under the sun. The answers and reality are two different things.

So here we are, back again in the land of miserable and barely able to rise in the morning. Please believe me, I do not have a Cinderella complex or that the grass is greener on the other side. These mistakes are on me. I was looking for the wrong thing. People kept saying why don’t you go back to retail. I don’t want to work in the mall. I don’t want that life. But what I do want is to continue to be an outside rep. And I would like to travel again. The nameless airports and hotels is the life for me. But I just could not put my finger on what I was looking for or rather not looking at/for until today.

I was trolling around LinkedIn and up pops this job. Its the perfect job for me. Its an outside rep position for a large skin care company. The products are sold by plastic surgeons. Yes, if I could push drugs for Astra Zeneca I would. But I would also love to rep skin care or clothes in the Mart or basically anything where I have to sell “the dream”. Believe me, I can get you alone in a dressing room, a restaurant, or at an event you will want what I am selling. Or even what I am experiencing/loving right then.

Here it is in layman’s terms. I hate computers, construction, finance, etc. Its not for me. I LOVE superficial stuff. I regret every day of my life I turned down the corporate Neiman Marcus job. I just want to sell something I love and can get behind. Imagine how successful I would be if I actually liked what I was doing? Not loathed every second of it and out of shear willpower continued to succeed.

I’ve been pretending to be something I’m not. Feeling that I needed a job that was more technical, what I think of as more respected. Something that mattered. But to be perfectly honest, if all I had were my clothes and skin care I would be fine. As long I got to go out there and make someone feel good about what they were buying. That I sold something to a store owner that I knew was going to make other people feel good about themselves I know I would be happy.

I could go on and on. And I might not even being making total sense right now since I was out to Mexican with my sister. But I am right. And no I don’t want to cure cancer or find world peace. But I know I can affect someone’s bottom line thru selling stuff that makes people feel good even if it for a shortwhile.

And now I just have to go find said magical, mystery job. Scary. But I’m right about this. And one way or another I will find it. Just like I always do. I know I can do anything and be successful. I have left out so many details of the story and my actual “sales accomplishments”, but I’m sure you get the picture.

I obsess about food, eating and how I look. I’ve been a lot heavier than I currently am. That was also quite a few years a go. I want to be thinner than I am. I want to be “smoother” not have some annoying pudge. Now before you start riffing and saying that I thin, healthy, normal, or maybe for some pudgy, hear me out. I am fully aware that I am in the healthy bracket of Weight Watchers. Completely understand that I am tall and am going to weight more than other people.

But I am not happy. My weight and fitness level seems to be something that I just cannot conquer. As I type this I am getting stressed out to the point of tears. I started Weight Watchers a couple of weeks a go and promptly lost the weight I had gained that week from eating out several nights in a row. Turns out my metabolism just does not effing work. I have had TWO cheat meals and promptly gained 5 lbs back. True, this included booze. But COME ON!!!! FIVE POUNDS!!!!! I can not seem to get below a certain rung on the weight ladder and it is driving me crazy.

So I am going to tell you my height, weight and where I want to be. What I think, hopefully, would make me happy.

And most of you have seen me on twitter doing OOTD’s. I wear a size 6 in DVF wrap dresses.

Height: 5′9
Weight: 160 lbs

I am mortified I weigh that amount. It doesn’t matter that is NORMAL. I don’t want to be normal. I want to be THIN.

And YES, I read to many magazines. And YES, I wish I looked like a brunette Gwyneth Paltrow. And YES, I realize that there are greater problems in the world. I DON’T CARE!!! I WANT TO WEIGH 140-145 and be physically fit. Not nasty skinny fat.

I have joined exhale spa here in Atlanta and those classes are helping me tone up. Would prefer to still be in Bikram but the school’s class schedule does not work with my ridiculous work schedule.

And trust me, I am not sitting around eating cookies in my car. I am eating fresh, healthy food. Not boxed mac n’ cheese.

Another frustrating thing is I feel bloated but have had no appetite for the last week and a half. Weird.

There, I have essentially bared my soul.

I have been thinking about trying to blog again. I only read a few blogs anymore. And the ones I do read I click thru on another blog’s blogroll. Lame, I know. Don’t even check my reader. My question is always “what am I going to say?” Should I be a food blogger, a fashion blogger, diary-esque, events focused, book reviews, the list goes on and on. What do I want to be when I grow up is the rhetorical question?

I hide behind twitter too. Not that is that private, but I feel like I can be relatively honest in 140 characters. I feel like if I start blogging then it will be a laundry list of complaints. But that’s not really true either. Because I don’t always complain. And I am working really hard to not be bitter about the past or even think about it. My original blog started as a preppy-ish, girl about town, restaurant reviews etc. There is another local blog that has pretty much taken over that space so I am not even going to try.

So I think I am just going to jump in to this again. I am just going to write what I want about whatever I want. If it is my life, feelings, diet, botox, hatred of the sun, clothes, whatever.

Bleh, I am already having doubts. Must press on.