December 14, 2007
Memories, Holidays and being Thankful
So this holiday season has been very hard for me. I am beyond busy at work, and with the travel, and just everyday life. I am worn out. Like dragging, can barely get out of bed, want to fall asleep in the middle of the day tired. And it is our first holiday season with Daddy not here anymore. This was his favorite time of year and now he is not here and there is a huge void. I really did not think it would be this bad, but it is. My mom and I decided at the last second to not even cook Thanksgiving dinner and go to the Ritz-Carlton instead. Just couldn’t do it. We are not exchanging gifts this year. We are going on vacation. To be here without him would be just to much to take. And read all these blogs where everyone was so thankful for their wonderful lives. I just got depressed and angry. I feel robbed and cheated. I am going somewhere with this.
Today I was having a phone conversation with someone about what has been going on, including a segment where I started to complain about all the parties I have given over the past few years. Hell, I have given 6 this year alone. And lately I feel like I am the only one doing it. I feel like no one steps up and does their own. That I get counted on to do the parties because everyone knows they will be done right. And that I am turning 30 in May and had been thinking about having this huge party, but have been rethinking it. Due to being sick of paying for everyone to have a good time. And I want to go to Sea Island (my favorite place) instead. Very negative of me to say all this, especially since I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING a good party. I love entertaining and seeing people have a good time.
This person whole heartedly agreed with me. Saying things like, “Not every event deserves a celebration or to be made special” and “Sometimes the quite nights are the best”. And I nodded my head across the phone line and said “yes, that is true”. And the conversation ended.
Soon after I began to think about the conversation and began to get annoyed. I remember that this person doesn’t really care for parties and does not care for excitement. I remember this person’s attitude about birthdays and events in the past. This person does not put importance on most events of any kind.
And I think about the way I grew up. There were large parties and small parties. Birthday parties every year and spaghetti saturdays. I remember the cookouts during The Masters. I remember Krispy Kreme nest donuts for Easter. I remember picnics at Cheekwood with takeout from the caterer. I remember chinese after Church. I remember spur of the moment cheese and wine nights. I remember Sunday potluck with NFL ticket after Ed came into the picture. And I remember the last dinner at Nan before everything changed.
I don’t remember the quite nights. Neither does my Mom. I asked. There are no pictures and videos of those. So, yes, me and the Grinch are slowly starting to part. I realized I have two friends who had stepped up and I had sold them short. I realized I have these amazing memories of events and daily life, both small and big, that my parents went out of their way to make special. I have the memories of man who was given 4 weeks to live at 52 and died a year later at 53. I have the memories of someone who loved life more than anything and lived each day to the fullest. Brought light, joy and wisdom into other people’s lives. That is what he did. And if I can be a fraction of the good in him I will be happy.
And I am thankful for all the memories.
Leslie… i feel your pain. This is our first Christmas without my dad, too. My parents were married for 54 years, and had so many happy times together. You will get through this with your mom and Ed and begin to make new memories. Chin up! We all love you!!!!
That was a great and heartfelt post and I thank you for sharing it. For some of us, Christmas and the holidays are VERY difficult and it takes all of our being to just get through it. Many people have lost loved ones this past year and in past years and it’s rough. We rarely ever had “quiet nights” either and only in the past few years has it become quiet. It’s weird but life goes on and hopefully you will start having great memories with Ed and your Mom this year in Naples (take me!!!!) I know it’s cliche but one day at a time.
Leslie you are so strong and I have a lot of respect for you. I really loved this post.
The holidays are so hard for so many people. You know I lost my Dad too and even though its been 10 years, the void is never is filled, never. It will get better as the years pass and life does goes on but never the same. I pray for you and your family. All the wonderful memories you have will get you through, you will laugh and then cry. I’m sure you are like me and feel so blessed to have the dad you did and all the great memories. Some people aren’t that fortunate, a lot actually. Just remember all the happy times and that your Dad was also blessed to have such a great daughter!
Wow, that was really heartfelt. Thanks for sharing. I loved reading that and reading you change your own mind.
I can’t pretend to understand but I think your Dad would be proud of you.
((HUGS))
I hear you. It’s been 3 weeks and about once every hour I remember losing my dad and it almost knocks me to my knees. I bawl my eyes out at least once a day, I just never know when it’s going to be. To think of Christmas morning without my dad is something I try not to think about. To think I will never ever see him again is almost too much to bear. There were a group of 5 of us in college who were best buds and sorority pledge sisters. One of them lost her dad this summer, I lost mine over Thanksgiving, and I just heard tonight that one of the other ones just lost her dad yesterday. What are the odds of that? Life sure is changing.
My dad was so wonderful that he leaves a void that nothing or no one will ever fill again. I was thinking of all the people who lose their husbands, and as hard as that would be I was thinking that you can always marry again, but you can never get another dad. I’d give anything to have him back. It’s like we were this puzzle and now this HUGE piece is missing and everything just feels so sad and totally incomplete.
Just know that I know exactly what you’re feeling.
That was a very touching and moving post, Leslie. Hang in there! You’ve got a lot of support!!!
Beautiful Post Leslie,
We sometimes need to stop and really think what is important and what is really meaningful and what we should be thankful for. It will never be the same but you can hold on to all those great memories, keep them close to your heart and slowly begin to make new ones. Your dad loves you and it watching you from above and know what a strong and beautiful woman you have become.
I am calling your mother & sister. We are THROWING DOWN for your 30th!
FORGET Sea Island.